When Is It Time to Say Enough in a Relationship?
Knowing when to leave a relationship, and when to stay and fight for it, is one of the hardest calls a person can make. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen break down discernment counseling, explain why "enough" is rarely one big event, and talk about the difference between loyalty and slowly losing yourself.
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In this episode
- What discernment counseling is and who it helps
- Why "enough" is usually a buildup, not one event
- Loyalty vs. self-erosion, and love with accountability
- Emotional neglect counts, even without an obvious problem
- Healthy relationships are not conflict free, they are repair rich
- How to support a friend who is stuck, without pushing
Discernment counseling and the slow build to enough
Discernment counseling is a short, structured approach with a set number of sessions, led by specially trained therapists, that helps couples decide whether to stay or leave. Em and Jen bring it up because so many people stuck in "suffocating limbo" don't know it exists.
They also point out that "enough" is rarely one event. Aside from a major rupture like infidelity, it is usually a buildup of feelings over time, and your body often knows before your mind does.
Loyalty vs. self-erosion
The hosts quote Terry Real: "Staying in something that erodes you is a losing strategy dressed up as loyalty." Unconditional love belongs to the parent and young child relationship. Adult relationships have conditions, and they should. That includes holding yourself to conditions too.
They take aim at the old poster line "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Holding space for a partner who is struggling is one thing. Putting up with behavior that is damaging the relationship is another. What healthy couples need is love with accountability.
Neglect, boredom, and repair
One listener feels emotionally neglected even though nothing is "wrong." Em and Jen say that is something wrong. Emotional neglect is the absence of what you need, and it is easy to discount. Name your needs and what would have to change.
They also challenge what we think a healthy relationship looks like. It is often a bit boring, in the best way. Healthy couples are not conflict free; they are repair rich, and the repair rarely gets shared with friends or posted online.
When it's a friend who's stuck
You cannot want it more than they do. Reflect what you see instead of telling them what to do, and stay close rather than pulling away in frustration. A statistic cited in the episode from the National Domestic Violence Hotline: it takes people about seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. When a friend is going through divorce after infidelity, lift them up rather than trashing the ex, and let them be messy. For a friend who has been on the fence for years, name specific things you observe, then ask how they are doing.
In Dear Em & Jen, a listener carrying years of shame over a past affair hears the difference between shame ("I am bad") and guilt ("I did something bad"), and that self-forgiveness, often with a therapist, matters more than disclosure roulette.
Video chapters
- 6:40 What is discernment counseling?
- 7:40 Why enough is rarely one event
- 9:40 Loyalty vs. self-erosion
- 11:50 "If you can't handle me at my worst"
- 13:50 Love with accountability
- 15:08 Emotional neglect without an obvious problem
- 16:45 What healthy relationships really look like
- 21:30 Telling a friend they deserve better
- 24:05 Supporting a friend through divorce
- 27:30 A friend on the fence for years
- 31:00 Dear Em & Jen: shame over a past affair
Frequently asked questions
What is discernment counseling?
It is a brief, structured form of counseling for couples where one partner is unsure about staying. It helps both people get clarity on whether to stay as is, separate, or commit to working on the relationship.
How do I know when it's time to leave a relationship?
There is rarely one clear moment. Notice whether you are eroding yourself to keep the relationship, whether both partners take accountability, and whether repair happens after conflict. Discernment counseling or individual therapy can help you decide.
Is it normal for a healthy relationship to feel boring?
Yes. Em and Jen note that healthy relationships often look calm and a bit boring. They still have conflict, but they repair well.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.