Jealousy in Romantic Relationships & Beyond
Where does jealousy in relationships actually come from, and what do you do with it? In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen look at jealousy from every angle: anxious attachment, reassurance seeking, why checking your partner's ex's Instagram feeds the feeling instead of easing it, and how to build real security instead of chasing a certainty that does not exist.
Listen to the episode
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In this episode
- Picking fights can be a clumsy bid for reassurance
- Why checking an ex's social media feeds the jealousy
- Security, not certainty: Sue Johnson's A.R.E. framework
- Treating your partner as a teammate, not a suspect
- A self-soothing script for jealous moments
- Where the reflex of not feeling happy for others can come from
Jealousy is often a bid for reassurance
A listener asks whether picking fights about her partner's ex is a way of checking that he still chooses her. Em and Jen call it a clumsy bid for reassurance: testing the connection instead of asking for what you need. The irony is that fights push a partner away, so the reassurance you crave drops off. They also suggest asking whether the fear belongs to this relationship or to past hurts you are carrying into it.
Anxious attachment tends to predict more jealousy and reassurance seeking. The hosts are open that neither of them feels much jealousy, and they tie that to their own avoidant tendencies. As they say, there is no better or worse, just different patterns.
Checking feeds the monster
Scrolling an ex's Instagram gives a moment of relief, and then the anxiety gets hungrier. The hosts frame it as scanning for a threat that is not there. The fix is a boundary you set with yourself: mute, block, or keep your phone in another room.
You also cannot get certainty, even when a partner says the right thing. A partner can have lingering feelings from a past relationship and still choose you. What you can build is security. Em and Jen walk through Sue Johnson's A.R.E. framework: being accessible, responsive, and engaged with each other, which builds security better than reassurance alone.
Old wounds and self-soothing
For a listener whose parent was unfaithful, the alarm is "historically accurate" but misfiring in her current relationship. Bringing the fear to your partner turns it into a shared problem. As the hosts put it, "He's a teammate, not a suspect."
To reassure yourself first, name the feeling, fact-check the story (most generous vs. least generous interpretation), and then, if you still want to talk, approach your partner from vulnerability rather than accusation.
Coworkers, friends, and family
Jealousy of a partner's coworker or close friend is often a fear of being replaceable, or of someone else getting a freer version of your partner than you do at home. The answer is often more fun and play together. Feeling treated differently than a sibling-in-law is a belonging wound worth naming to your partner. In Dear Em & Jen, a listener ashamed of not feeling happy for others hears that the reflex often comes from early scarcity of love or praise, and that it deserves compassion, not shame.
Video chapters
- 7:45 Picking fights over a partner's ex
- 10:00 Anxious attachment and reassurance seeking
- 10:40 Checking an ex's Instagram
- 12:45 When a partner still has feelings for an ex
- 16:30 Sue Johnson's A.R.E. framework
- 18:03 When a parent's infidelity affects trust
- 19:30 Self-soothing instead of seeking reassurance
- 22:30 Jealous of a partner's coworker
- 26:50 Close friends of another gender
- 30:20 Feeling treated differently than a sibling-in-law
- 33:05 Dear Em & Jen: struggling to feel happy for others
Frequently asked questions
Is jealousy normal in a relationship?
Yes, some jealousy is a normal human emotion. It becomes a problem when it drives checking, accusations, or constant reassurance seeking that erodes trust.
How do I stop checking my partner's ex on social media?
Recognize that checking gives brief relief but feeds the anxiety. Set a boundary with yourself, such as muting or blocking, and work on the underlying fear with your partner or a therapist.
What does A.R.E. mean in relationships?
It comes from Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy: Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged. Partners who show up in these ways help each other feel secure.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- Insecurities: Why They Keep You Stuck (and How to Move Forward)
- How to Argue Without Ruining Your Relationship
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.