Insecurities: Why They Keep You Stuck (and How to Move Forward)
Everyone has insecurities, but most of us do not notice how quietly they shape our relationships, careers, and sense of self. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen unpack where insecurities come from, how they connect to hyper-independence and comparison, and how healing starts by challenging the stories you have carried for years.
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In this episode
- Hyper-independence as a protective strategy, and how to practice asking for help
- Meeting past insecure choices with grief and self-compassion
- Why someone's energy shift usually isn't about you
- Attachment protest and the Still Face Experiment
- Having needs doesn't make you needy
- Fixing the system behind an invisible mental load
Hyper-independence protected you once
A listener feels stuck in hyper-independence because they don't know how to ask for help. Em and Jen describe hyper-independence as a survival strategy: when reaching for caregivers didn't work, the system learned to stop reaching. Acknowledge what it did for you, then practice. Start with small, low-stakes asks, like having a neighbor grab a package. Notice the script, too. "I should be able to handle this" is an old voice, not a fact.
Looking back without shame
Once you feel more secure, you may realize many past choices came from insecurity. The hosts' advice is to grieve it and offer yourself compassion. Those decisions were not malicious; you were figuring out how to function. Ask whether you caused harm, whether you made amends, and what you would actually choose differently now.
When someone's energy changes
Feeling hurt when someone pulls away is often an anxious attachment response. Em and Jen point out that a person's change in energy is usually about their sleep, their day, or their own stress. The skill is tolerating not knowing, and asking what meaning you are making of the moment.
They connect this to Sue Johnson's idea of attachment protest and to the Still Face Experiment, where infants try again and again to re-engage a caregiver who goes blank before falling apart. Partners do much the same thing when connection feels threatened. Over time, security in a relationship makes it easier not to take things personally.
Needs, vulnerability, and comparison
Needing reassurance is human. As they say, "Having needs does not mean you're needy." Name what you need, and choose partners who can offer it. If you fear people won't like the real you, the hosts note that no one can love you if they don't know you. Brené Brown's research, cited in the episode, links a strong sense of belonging to believing you are worthy of it, built through vulnerability rather than perfection.
Comparison, including comparing yourself to other parents online, is often a symptom of trying to figure things out. Check whether what you are comparing against actually matches your values.
The mental load is a system problem
In Dear Em & Jen, a listener is exhausted from holding a mental spreadsheet her husband doesn't see. The hosts' advice is to blame the system, not the person. Overfunctioning invites underfunctioning, so build a new system together, such as a weekly calendar check-in, hand off real tasks, and let your partner own them, even imperfectly.
Video chapters
- 3:30 Common advice the hosts disagree with
- 4:40 Everyone has insecurities
- 6:03 Hyper-independence and asking for help
- 12:10 When past choices came from insecurity
- 15:40 When someone's energy shifts
- 18:00 Attachment protest and the Still Face Experiment
- 21:40 Feeling insecure about needing reassurance
- 24:50 Fear that people won't like the real you
- 27:20 Comparing yourself to other moms
- 33:30 Dear Em & Jen: the invisible mental load
Frequently asked questions
What causes insecurities?
They often grow from early experiences, such as whether reaching for caregivers worked, plus later messages from family, peers, and culture. Em and Jen emphasize that everyone has them.
Why do I take it personally when someone's energy changes?
If you have anxious attachment, a shift in someone's mood can feel like a threat of loss. Usually it is about their day. Practice tolerating not knowing and checking the story you are telling yourself.
How can I get better at asking for help?
Start small with low-stakes requests to people you trust, notice old scripts like "I should handle this alone," and treat it as a skill you are building.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- Jealousy in Romantic Relationships & Beyond
- The Fawn Response: When People-Pleasing Is a Trauma Response
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.