Sibling Relationships in Adulthood: Closeness, Conflict, and Boundaries
Growing up in the same family does not mean growing up with the same experience. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen explore adult sibling relationships: how family roles, parentification, and favoritism shape siblings long after childhood, and how to set boundaries, avoid triangulation, and repair connection as adults.
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In this episode
- Why sibling closeness is never guaranteed
- Parentification and how to stop mothering adult siblings
- Resentment toward a golden child belongs to the system
- Soft startups for hard sibling conversations
- How to refuse being the family message carrier
- The eldest daughter dynamic and self-forgiveness
Same family, different experiences
Many parents assume giving a child a sibling guarantees a close bond. Em and Jen say it doesn't. Siblings can experience the same parents very differently depending on gender, birth order, and what the family was going through at the time. There is also no single right way to be close; some siblings talk daily and others rarely do, without either being wrong. They mention the parenting book Siblings Without Rivalry as a resource.
Parentification and the eldest daughter
A listener feels motherly and responsible for younger adult siblings. That often points to parentification, being expected to parent your siblings as a child. Overfunctioning for adult siblings can keep them from taking agency, so the work is finding new ways to connect as a sibling rather than a manager.
The eldest daughter often becomes the third parent. The hosts note research cited in the episode linking that role to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and perfectionism. You did not choose that role as a child, but as an adult you can choose what to let go of.
Golden children and hard conversations
Resentment toward a golden child sibling is really about the system that created the dynamic. The golden child often paid a price too, such as never being allowed to make mistakes. For hard conversations, Em and Jen cite Gottman's finding that the first three minutes of a conflict conversation predict how it ends, so start softly and lead with the most generous interpretation. You are allowed to be emotional; just lead with vulnerability rather than anger.
When your emotional growth outpaces your family, growth can feel lonely. Lower the bar for togetherness: shorter visits, activities like bowling or walking, and an exit plan if needed.
Refusing triangulation
Triangulation, a concept from Murray Bowen, happens when anxiety between two people pulls in a third. If your mom complains about your sister every visit, you can say, "I'm not going to talk about her, but tell me about your garden." In the hosts' words, "Every family has a designated message carrier, and refusing the job is how you stop being one." Expect discomfort; it does not mean you did something wrong.
Forgiving your younger self
In Dear Em & Jen, a listener still feels guilty about how they treated a younger sibling as a child, even though the sibling has forgiven them. The hosts suggest taking the sibling out of the equation and offering compassion to the child you were, ideally with a therapist's help.
Video chapters
- 9:30 Why sibling closeness isn't guaranteed
- 11:00 How parents shape sibling relationships
- 13:15 Feeling responsible for younger siblings
- 16:30 Whose job is it to keep in touch?
- 19:00 Hard conversations without blame
- 21:00 Resentment toward a golden child
- 22:40 When you outgrow your family emotionally
- 26:50 When a sibling is just now processing the past
- 28:00 Triangulation and the family message carrier
- 31:40 The eldest daughter dynamic
- 34:00 Dear Em & Jen: guilt over how you treated a sibling
Frequently asked questions
Why do siblings remember childhood so differently?
Each child has a different temperament, birth order, and place in the family's story, so the same parents can feel very different to each sibling.
What is triangulation in families?
Triangulation happens when tension between two people pulls in a third, for example a parent venting to one sibling about another. Calmly declining to carry messages or discuss the absent sibling protects each relationship.
How do I stop feeling responsible for my adult siblings?
Recognize the role you may have been given as a child, notice where you overfunction, and look for new ways to connect as siblings rather than as a parent or manager.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- Mother-Daughter Relationships: Why Are They So Complicated?
- How to Cope With Emotionally Immature Family Relationships
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.