How to Cope With Emotionally Immature Family Relationships
Dealing with emotionally immature parents or in-laws can leave you feeling like the only adult in the room. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen talk about why naming emotional immaturity and childhood emotional neglect feels so validating, and share concrete ways to protect your peace without losing yourself in difficult family relationships.
Listen to the episode
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In this episode
- Why naming emotional immaturity can be so validating, even when your basic needs were met
- Choosing which parts of yourself feel safe to bring into a relationship
- Six practical tools: share less, don't overexplain, lower expectations, plan contact, don't react, be consistent
- Why your parent may truly believe you have a good relationship
- Setting in-law boundaries as a united front with your partner
- Why you can feel 14 again the moment you walk into your parents' house
Why naming it helps
Many adults grew up with food on the table and a roof overhead, yet still felt distant from their parents. Learning the language of emotional immaturity and childhood emotional neglect often gives that feeling a name. They describe it as "naming something that felt so hidden." That understanding leads to acceptance, and acceptance lets you decide how you want to show up.
Practical ways to protect your peace
Em and Jen's list is short and practical:
- Share less. Authenticity is a value, but some relationships are not safe places for your full self.
- Don't overexplain. A boundary does not need a list of reasons.
- Lower your expectations. "Not ground level, in the dirt level," so anything better is a bonus.
- Plan your contact. Scheduled visits or activities go better than quick drive-by calls.
- Don't react. Escalation is a game emotionally immature people tend to win.
- Be consistent. Boundaries that change week to week are hard for anyone to follow.
In-laws and your partner
When the difficult relationship is with your partner's family, the goal is "us" rather than "you versus me." Talk about expectations for both families at a calm time, not right before or after a visit. Em and Jen also share a family therapy guideline: decide on boundaries together, then the partner whose family it is delivers the message, so the in-law does not become the villain.
Finally, they normalize the grief of the relationship you never had. Trying to force a parent into the shape you needed rarely works; acknowledging that loss often does.
Video chapters
- 4:35 What makes a parent or in-law emotionally immature
- 7:36 How to protect your peace with in-laws
- 13:02 When your parent thinks you have a great relationship
- 15:46 Your partner, their parents, and shared boundaries
- 19:42 Not becoming the worst version of yourself at home
- 22:06 When your partner is mistreated by their parent
- 25:43 Breaking the pattern when you both grew up this way
- 26:40 When your partner idealizes their parent
- 30:45 Dear Em & Jen: shrinking around your partner's friends
Frequently asked questions
What are signs of an emotionally immature parent?
Common signs include unpredictable reactions, difficulty with other people's feelings, poor respect for boundaries, and making things about themselves. Em and Jen note this is usually not about bad intent; it is about never having grown up emotionally in relationships.
How do I set boundaries with emotionally immature in-laws?
Agree on boundaries with your partner first, at a calm time. Then let the partner whose parents they are communicate them, keep your explanation brief, and follow through consistently.
Should I cut off an emotionally immature parent?
Not necessarily. Many people choose limited, planned contact. If there has been harm or abuse, more distance may be right. Our episode on going no contact covers how to decide.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- When to Go No Contact: Boundaries vs. Cutting Someone Off
- The Fawn Response: When People-Pleasing Is a Trauma Response
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.