When to Go No Contact: Boundaries vs. Cutting Someone Off
Going no contact with a family member is more common than most people think, and it still carries a lot of stigma. In this ShrinkChicks episode, family therapists Em and Jen talk about estrangement without blanket rules: why people choose cutoff, how it differs from setting boundaries, and how to make the decision from a grounded place.
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In this episode
- Good reasons to cut someone off, including physical, emotional, and financial harm
- Why there is no one-size-fits-all answer, despite viral advice
- Hard conversations as the "speed bump" before the stop sign
- Thinking of distance as a dimmer, not an on/off switch
- Questions to ask yourself before reconnecting
- Naming estrangement as grief, even when the person is still alive
Boundaries and estrangement are not the same thing
Em and Jen are clear that there are good reasons to end contact: abuse, whether physical, emotional, or financial, and ongoing harm. They are just as clear that blanket statements, such as "everyone cuts people off too easily" or "cut off anyone who hurts you," do not fit real families. "We're going to tell you all the nuance," they say.
Start with the hard conversation (when it's safe)
When there has been no serious harm, the hosts suggest hard conversations come first. They call them "the speed bump to the stop sign." Avoiding them lets resentment build until cutoff feels like the only option. If you have spoken up, the pattern keeps repeating, and the relationship is no longer reciprocal, you can then decide whether it belongs in your life.
Distance is also not all or nothing. Think of it as a dimmer switch: you can pull back, change how you spend time together, or take a break that is not permanent.
Reconnecting and handling other people
Before reaching back out, ask yourself: Is this coming from a grounded place or from guilt? Has anything actually changed? Could I handle a cold response or no response? Was the cutoff about safety or about needing space to heal?
And when people ask why you are not in contact, "We're no longer in contact" is a complete sentence.
Estrangement is grief
Choosing distance often means accepting that the relationship will never be what you needed. That is a real loss, and it can resurface on holidays and milestones for years. Naming it as grief helps you, and the people around you, treat it that way.
Video chapters
- 3:03 Good reasons to cut someone off
- 6:00 Why estrangement can be fluid
- 9:06 Hard conversations vs. cutoff
- 12:04 Pull back or cut off? A dial, not a switch
- 15:45 When your partner isn't ready to cut someone off
- 18:10 Reaching back out: questions to ask first
- 21:30 How to know you're ready to reconnect
- 24:55 When a sibling cuts off your parents
- 27:30 You don't owe anyone an explanation
- 28:20 The grief of estrangement
- 33:10 Dear Em & Jen: two people pleasers
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between a boundary and going no contact?
A boundary limits how you engage (topics, time, behavior you will accept) while keeping some relationship. Going no contact ends communication entirely, at least for now. Many people move along that range over time.
Is it okay to go no contact with a parent?
It can be, especially when there has been abuse or ongoing harm. Em and Jen emphasize that the decision is personal and that it is okay to change your mind later.
How do I cope with the guilt of estrangement?
Name the grief, limit how much you explain to others, and get support. A therapist can help you sort guilt from responsibility and decide what contact, if any, feels right.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- How to Cope With Emotionally Immature Family Relationships
- The Fawn Response: When People-Pleasing Is a Trauma Response
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.