Why Relationships Change Over Time
If the end of the honeymoon phase felt like a slap in the face, you are not alone. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen walk through the stages of a relationship using the developmental model of couples therapy, explain why so much conflict is really a timing mismatch, and answer questions about when to bring in a couples therapist.
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In this episode
- The five stages: symbiosis, differentiation, practicing, rapprochement, and mutual interdependence
- Leaving the honeymoon stage usually means someone is growing, not that something is wrong
- Many conflicts come from partners being in different stages
- Same fight three times? Time for a third party
- Relationship skills are learned, not innate
- Why a couples therapist can be like a primary care doctor for your relationship
The five stages
The developmental model, created by Ellen Bader and Peter Pearson, applies child development stages to couples. Em and Jen walk through each one:
- Symbiosis: the honeymoon. Differences are minimized. Healthy, but no one can live here forever.
- Differentiation: one or both partners start asserting preferences and noticing differences. It often feels like "something is wrong with us." Usually someone is just growing.
- Practicing: partners explore their individual identities and energy goes outward. Pursuer and distancer patterns often show up here.
- Rapprochement: coming back together as two more formed people, which takes vulnerability and some grief for the early closeness.
- Mutual interdependence: two people who are truly known, in a real partnership. Stress and transitions can knock couples back to earlier stages, and that is normal.
The key insight: much of what looks like incompatibility is a developmental mismatch, most often one partner moving into differentiation while the other is still in symbiosis.
When to get help
The hosts' rule of thumb is simple: if you have had the same fight three times without getting anywhere, bring in a third party. A couples therapist can see patterns you cannot, and needing help is not a sign the relationship is broken. Relationship skills have to be taught, just like reading and math.
Premarital counseling can be a structured course covering sex, money, and family, or it can focus on the specific topics a couple needs to work through. Proactive therapy does not prevent problems. It brings them to the surface so you can build skills, and you can agree to keep hard topics in the session until you are ready to handle them at home. Em and Jen compare having a couples therapist to having a primary care doctor: it helps to have someone who already knows you when stress hits.
Transitions
When a partner loses a job and seems "lazy," ask whether it might be shame or depression, and how you can support your teammate while still honoring your own frustration. With kids, plan and talk ahead, knowing the plan may change and that both of you will be changed by parenthood.
Video chapters
- 4:30 The developmental model of couples therapy
- 5:15 Differentiation: when couples hit the wall
- 6:00 Rapprochement and mutual interdependence
- 9:00 When to bring in a couples therapist
- 10:30 Why relationship skills have to be learned
- 12:15 What premarital counseling looks like
- 13:30 Does proactive couples therapy help?
- 18:15 When a partner loses their job
- 21:30 Preparing for kids as a couple
- 24:15 Couples intensives
Frequently asked questions
What are the stages of a relationship?
In the developmental model of couples therapy, couples move through symbiosis, differentiation, practicing, rapprochement, and mutual interdependence. They often move back and forth between stages during big life changes.
When should a couple go to couples therapy?
A good rule of thumb from the episode: if you have had the same fight three times without resolving it, it is time for a third party. Many couples also go before problems start.
What happens in premarital counseling?
It varies by therapist. It may be a structured course on topics like money, sex, family, and expectations, or sessions tailored to specific issues a couple wants to work through before marriage.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.