Kids or Childfree: How to Decide What's Right for You with Keltie Maguire
For many people, the question of whether to have kids or stay childfree does not come with a clear answer. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen talk with Keltie Maguire, host of The Kids or Childfree Podcast and a clarity coach, about living in the in-between, telling fear apart from desire, and why waiting for certainty can keep you stuck.
Listen to the episode
Listen on Apple Podcasts | Watch on YouTube
Watch the video
In this episode
- Clarity does not always "arrive"; sometimes you have to decide
- Start with big-picture questions about your life before the details
- It is okay to make a decision that is partly shaped by fear
- Think of desire as a temperature gauge, not a yes or no
- Get real numbers on cost instead of letting anxiety decide
- Aim for "sure enough," because total certainty is an illusion
Clarity doesn't always arrive
People are often told "you'll just know." Keltie spent years on the fence waiting for that moment, mostly ruminating rather than actively exploring the decision. She eventually realized she would have to decide. She also describes "decision deferral": a partner who is happy either way and hands the decision over. It can come from a respectful place, but it can also shift the mental and emotional load onto one person, often the woman in a heterosexual couple.
Start with the big picture
What helped Keltie were the same questions she used with coaching clients: What do I want my life to look like? What matters most to me? What is working and what is not? She suggests starting with these big questions before getting lost in the details. Getting fed up with going in circles, frustrating as it is, is often the moment change becomes possible.
Fear, money, and desire
How do you tell not wanting kids from fear of the unknown? Keltie suggests moving toward your fears instead of away. Write them down, look at each one, and ask whether it is founded and what would help. She adds that it is okay for fear to shape a decision, since fears show you what you need and where your limits are. Either path will have hard parts. The question is which kind of hard you want to choose.
On money, she cautions against "you'll figure it out" and against blanket "I could never afford it." Get real information for your city, talk to parents, and decide what quality of life you need. But first check your desire. She suggests treating it like a temperature gauge: are you cool, warm, or hot toward the idea? Em and Jen agree that avoiding the facts only feeds anxiety.
Regret and certainty
Fear of regret sits under almost every other fear. Keltie's view is that complete certainty is rarely available for any big decision. She encourages people to aim for "sure enough" and "confident enough" instead, and to drop the idea that anything less than a 100% yes means no. She also recommends the book The Baby Decision.
Video chapters
- 3:00 Waiting for clarity that never arrives
- 4:45 When your partner is happy either way
- 6:15 Decision deferral and the mental load
- 7:45 Questions that helped Keltie decide
- 9:15 Not wanting kids vs. fear of the unknown
- 12:30 Financial fears about having kids
- 14:15 Desire as a temperature gauge
- 18:45 The state of the world
- 20:45 Regret and the myth of certainty
Frequently asked questions
How do I decide whether to have kids?
Start with your values and the life you want, then look honestly at your fears and practical realities. Keltie Maguire suggests thinking of desire as a temperature rather than a yes or no, and aiming for "sure enough" rather than total certainty.
What if my partner is fine either way?
Talk about it openly so the emotional work of deciding is not left to one person. Ask your partner to share their own hopes and fears, even if they feel neutral overall.
Will I regret my decision about having kids?
Any choice can bring some regret, because both paths include hard parts. Making the decision deliberately, with real information and an understanding of your values, makes it easier to live with.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.