Feeling Lonely in a Relationship and How to Fix It
Feeling lonely in a relationship can be more painful than being alone, and it is far more common than most couples admit. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen explain why loneliness creeps in during busy seasons and after having kids, why one partner cannot meet every emotional need, and how couples find their way back to each other.
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In this episode
- Loneliness in a relationship does not mean it is over
- Curiosity matters: keep getting to know your partner at each stage
- Playfulness and quick repair help couples come back together
- New parents have separate experiences of the same event
- Different emotional depth is not a reason to stop inviting your partner in
- Love languages work best when you talk about them practically
Lonely does not mean over
Em and Jen want to take the shame out of this one. As responsibilities pile up, connection becomes one more thing on the to-do list, and partners drift. What matters is not whether you ever feel disconnected, but how you bring yourselves back. A big part of that is curiosity. Long-term partners often stop asking questions because they think they already know each other, and feeling that your partner is no longer curious about you can be deeply lonely.
Playfulness helps too. Couples who can be silly together and repair quickly after conflict tend not to stay stuck in disconnection for long.
Loneliness after kids
Yes, it is normal to feel lonely once you have kids. Even when you go through new parenthood together, you are having two different experiences of it. The hosts cite Gottman research, mentioned in the episode, finding that roughly two-thirds of couples report a significant drop in relationship satisfaction in the first three years after a baby unless they actively protect the relationship. The goal is not to merge into one person but to grow side by side, in the same direction.
When you feel deeper than your partner
If you feel your emotional depth outpaces your partner's, Em and Jen encourage you not to write them off. Seeing a partner as "just not capable" can keep them stuck where they were when you met. Ask small, specific questions that invite them a little deeper. At the same time, it is fair to get some kinds of depth from friends. Echoing Esther Perel, they note that expecting one person to meet every need sets everyone up to fail.
Busy seasons and love languages
Busy stretches push couples onto autopilot, so connection has to be intentional. You get the to-do list done, then look up and realize you have barely talked, to your partner or anyone else. A short check-in or a shared moment of fun, even in a full week, keeps that gap from widening. With love languages, notice that people tend to give love the way they want to receive it. Talk practically about what makes each of you feel loved, even if it does not sound romantic.
Video chapters
- 4:15 Why loneliness in a relationship is so common
- 5:30 Curiosity and feeling known
- 6:30 Playfulness as a way back to connection
- 8:00 Loneliness during distance and transitions
- 9:45 Is it normal to feel lonely after having kids?
- 12:15 When your emotional depth feels mismatched
- 16:45 Loneliness in busy seasons
- 20:00 Love languages: quality time vs. acts of service
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to feel lonely in a relationship?
Yes. Most couples go through periods of disconnection, especially during busy seasons and big transitions. It becomes a problem when it lasts and neither partner knows how to reconnect.
How do you fix loneliness in a relationship?
Get curious about your partner again, make room for play, talk about what connection looks like for each of you, and repair quickly after conflict. Couples therapy can help if you feel stuck.
Why do I feel lonely after having a baby?
Partners go through new parenthood together but experience it differently, while sleep, time, and attention are stretched. Protecting small moments of connection makes a real difference.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.