How to Build Adult Friendships
Friendship used to happen almost by accident at school, in dorms, or at a first job. As an adult it can feel like a part-time job. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen talk about how to make friends as an adult, why proximity matters more than chemistry, and how to cope when friendships drift or you feel left out.
Listen to the episode
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In this episode
- Adult friendships grow mostly from repeated proximity and shared purpose
- Why low-effort, built-in contact makes friendships easier to sustain
- How many hours it takes to go from acquaintance to close friend
- Exclusion hurts, so try not to turn it into a story about your worth
- Friendships change over time, and drifting can bring real grief
- Without kids, you have to build your own social infrastructure
Proximity beats chemistry
Em and Jen say adult friendships mostly form through repeated proximity plus shared purpose. Chemistry is a bonus. Parents often meet friends at school drop-off, neighbors bond on the block, and regulars become gym friends. The reason is simple: when you keep running into someone, staying connected takes very little effort, and most adults do not have much spare time.
That is also why remote work and life changes can quietly shrink a social circle. When the built-in contact disappears, the friendship suddenly needs more effort.
It takes time
The hosts cite a 2019 study by Jeffrey Hall, mentioned in the episode, which found it takes roughly 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, around 90 hours to become friends, and over 200 hours to become close friends. Feeling like a new friendship has not clicked after two coffees is normal.
When you're left out
Being excluded is one of the most dysregulating social experiences there is. The pain comes partly from personalizing it: deciding the reason must be something wrong with you. Often the reasons are mundane, like a shared interest or the kids' ages. Groups that are honest with each other, and do not talk behind each other's backs, tend to feel more secure.
The hosts note that emotional maturity changes friend groups too. In college, when everyone is unstable and anxious, groups can turn on each other. Adults who have their own lives in order tend to worry less about who was invited and more about checking in when someone seems to be struggling.
Drift, canceled plans, and widening your circle
Friendships change as people grow, and drifting apart can bring grief for the friendship and for who you were in it. If your only close friend keeps canceling, it will feel very personal because so much rests on one person. Their advice: widen your bench instead of asking the same friend to carry everything.
Without kids, you may need to build your own infrastructure: a group fitness class, a rec league, volunteering, or a pottery class. Pick something you would enjoy anyway, keep showing up, take your headphones out, and strike up a conversation.
Video chapters
- 4:30 Proximity and shared interests
- 6:00 Why low-effort friendships last
- 7:15 Where to find friends as an adult
- 8:30 How many hours it takes to make a friend
- 9:30 Self-esteem when you're left out
- 12:30 Security and honesty in friend groups
- 15:30 When friendships drift
- 18:45 When your only close friend keeps canceling
- 20:45 Making friends without kids
Frequently asked questions
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Adults have less built-in proximity than students, along with less free time. Friendships tend to form through repeated contact and shared activities, so without them, connection takes more intentional effort.
How long does it take to make a close friend?
A study cited in the episode found it takes about 50 hours to become casual friends, about 90 hours to become friends, and over 200 hours to become close friends.
How do I make friends if I don't have kids?
Join something that meets regularly, like a fitness class, rec league, volunteer group, or class, and keep going. Choose an activity you enjoy for its own sake so the friendships are a bonus.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.