How Our Assumptions Keep Us Stuck
Assuming your partner will say no, deciding a friend is upset before you talk, or bracing for a boss's disappointment that never comes: these are some of the ways assumptions keep us stuck. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen explain why the brain fills in the blanks, how those stories often started as protection, and what to do instead.
Listen to the episode
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Watch the video
In this episode
- If you never ask, you turn a possible no into a guaranteed no
- Mind reading and confirmation bias: you find the evidence you are looking for
- How a childhood "relational template" shapes the threats you scan for
- Using cognitive distortions and opposite action to interrupt the pattern
- Why rehearsing a hard conversation in your head is not the same as having it
- Choosing the most generous interpretation instead of the least
Assumptions feel safer than finding out
One listener assumes her husband does not want to do the fun things she wants to do, so she never asks. Em and Jen point out that this trades a possible no for a definite one: "If you don't ask, the answer is always no." They also wonder whether something else is going on. Not asking keeps things predictable and protects you from disappointment if the plan happens and is not as fun as you hoped.
Mind reading and confirmation bias
"Everyone is mad at me" is one of the most common assumptions people bring to therapy. Once you believe it, you start collecting evidence: a group chat that went quiet, a short reply. But the evidence usually has other explanations, and if you search for proof that people are upset, you will find it. Em and Jen suggest looking up cognitive distortions from CBT, such as mind reading and jumping to conclusions, so you can name what your brain is doing.
Then try opposite action. If your urge is to isolate or to perform, do something different: call a friend and say you are having an anxious day.
Where the inner voice comes from
Many of these stories start in childhood. If you grew up around an angry parent, you learned to watch closely for other people's emotions. Kids also often blame themselves when things go wrong at home, because blaming yourself feels like having some control. That voice protected you then. As an adult you get to question it, and to ask whether the same assumptions about bosses, partners, and friends still fit.
This shows up at work too. If you are always performing for a boss's disappointment that never comes, you may be replaying an old pattern with an authority figure. The same goes for assuming a quiet partner is upset with you: when you were small, figuring out what you did wrong was the fastest route back to safety.
Have the real conversation
Rehearsing a hard talk with an imaginary version of your friend does not make the real one easier. It often just delays it. The hosts mention research, cited in the episode, showing that people consistently overestimate how bad difficult conversations will be. Prepare if it helps, then have the conversation, and when you are unsure, start from the most generous interpretation of someone's behavior rather than the least.
Video chapters
- 5:45 Assuming your partner won't want to join you
- 6:30 Keeping things safe and predictable
- 7:30 Mind reading that everyone is mad at you
- 8:15 Confirmation bias
- 9:45 Cognitive distortions and opposite action
- 11:00 Why you believe your inner voice
- 15:45 Avoiding a hard talk with a friend
- 19:45 Assuming your boss is disappointed
- 21:45 When you think your partner's mood is about you
Frequently asked questions
Why do I always assume people are mad at me?
Often it is a learned habit of scanning for threat, especially if other people's moods felt unsafe when you were young. Confirmation bias then keeps the belief going because you notice evidence for it and miss evidence against it.
What is mind reading in CBT?
Mind reading is a cognitive distortion where you assume you know what someone else is thinking, usually something negative, without checking. Naming it is the first step to questioning it.
How do I stop making assumptions in my relationship?
Ask instead of guessing, notice when you are collecting evidence for a story, and practice opposite action. A therapist can help you trace where the assumptions started.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- Why Childhood Pain Shows Up in Adult Life
- The Fawn Response: When People-Pleasing Is a Trauma Response
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.