Why Childhood Pain Shows Up in Adult Life
The coping strategies that helped you survive childhood often follow you into adult relationships. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen explore inner child healing: why we are kinder to our younger selves than our adult selves, how to hold empathy and anger for parents at the same time, and how to spot your "adaptive child" in action.
Listen to the episode
Listen on Apple Podcasts | Watch on YouTube
Watch the video
In this episode
- A simple exercise: picture yourself as a child and offer that kid grace
- Projection is often unprocessed pain from the past landing on people in the present
- Awareness is the first step, not the whole cure
- You can understand your parents and still be angry with them
- Becoming a parent can stir up both empathy and anger about your own childhood
- Your adaptive child often does the opposite of what you actually want
Start with a picture
Em and Jen open with an exercise: bring to mind a photo of yourself as a child. It is much easier to offer grace to that kid than to your adult self. You would not call a small child an idiot for a silly mistake, so why talk to yourself that way now?
Projection and resentment
When resentment from childhood lands on people in your present life, that is projection, which is often unprocessed pain pushed outward. The more you can locate where the pain is coming from, the faster you can catch it. But the hosts stress that awareness is the first step, not the cure. Then comes the harder part: pausing, responding instead of reacting, and reparenting yourself in the moment by giving yourself what you needed back then.
It also helps to look at your current relationship with the adults from your childhood. If the same family system is still playing out, it is easy to regress. Boundaries and grounding help you stay in your adult self.
Empathy and anger at the same time
Understanding why your parents struggled does not mean you have to stop being angry. You can hold both: "I have empathy for you, and what you did was still not okay." Em and Jen also invite listeners to check what is under the anger. Often it is grief for the childhood you did not get, and anger can feel easier than grief.
Becoming a parent can intensify all of this. Seeing what your own child needs can make you angrier about what you did not receive, and it can also build empathy for how hard parenting is. Inner child work is not one and done; big life transitions bring it back up.
Meet your adaptive child
Drawing on Terry Real's work, the hosts describe the adaptive child: the part of you that learned to survive and still uses those strategies today. You can usually tell it is running the show when your reaction feels young and automatic. For one host, it is a sharp, snarky comment that pushes people away when she actually wants them close. For another, it is shutting down, or taking over the room to manage everyone. Noticing your version is where change starts.
Video chapters
- 7:15 Picture yourself as a child
- 9:00 Why it's easier to give a child grace
- 10:15 Healing without projecting resentment
- 13:00 When old family patterns still play out
- 13:45 Holding empathy and anger for your parents
- 16:00 The grief underneath anger
- 16:45 Why becoming a parent stirs it all up
- 21:45 The adaptive child
- 24:00 Spotting your adaptive child in real life
Frequently asked questions
What is inner child work?
Inner child work means getting to know the younger parts of yourself that still shape your reactions, and learning to give yourself the care, protection, or validation you needed then. It is often done in therapy.
What is the adaptive child?
It is a term from Terry Real for the part of you that developed coping strategies to survive childhood. Those strategies once helped but can backfire in adult relationships.
Can I love my parents and still be angry at them?
Yes. Em and Jen emphasize holding both truths: you can understand where your parents came from and still be angry, or grieve, what you did not receive.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- How to Cope With Emotionally Immature Family Relationships
- The Fawn Response: When People-Pleasing Is a Trauma Response
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.