When Life Doesn't Look the Way You Thought It Would
Marriage, parenthood, careers, and even birthdays rarely feel the way we imagined. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen talk about expectations vs. reality: why big life moments so often fall short of the picture in our heads, and why that gap is not a sign you did something wrong.
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In this episode
- Sometimes reality is harder than expected, and sometimes it ends up better
- With in-laws, look at what is happening at home first
- Weddings highlight family dynamics, and they will not be the last thing that does
- Feeling distant from a friend can be grief for who you used to be
- Leaving something unhealthy does not bring instant peace, and that is normal
- You can feel sad about leaving a job you hated
The picture in your head
Most of us carry a script for what life should look like at 25, 30, or 35. Em and Jen note that life rarely follows it, and that is not always bad. Owning a business and recording a podcast was nowhere in their plans 15 years ago. With big transitions like new parenthood, they find that the more rigidly you plan, the harder reality can hit, because planning creates a sense of control you do not actually have.
In-laws, weddings, and family
Many listeners expected a warm relationship with their in-laws and got something else. The hosts suggest bringing it back home: Do you feel like your partner has your back? It can be easier to be angry at in-laws than at a partner. Relationships with in-laws can also change over time as expectations shift.
Weddings are another place where reality hits. They highlight family dynamics, especially for people who were never the center of attention growing up. When family does not show up the way you hoped, ask what you need: a boundary, a conversation, or a different expectation. This will not be the last time those dynamics surface.
Grief you didn't see coming
Sometimes visiting an old friend feels lonely because you are not who you used to be. That is grief for an earlier version of yourself. Bringing who you are now into the friendship gives it a chance to grow, and if it cannot, it may naturally change.
Leaving something unhealthy also does not mean instant relief. Your nervous system may stay on alert long after you leave, and that fear does not mean you made the wrong choice. It is okay to tell the people in your life that you are still struggling. Likewise, leaving a job you hated can bring sadness, because it gave you structure and familiarity. You can feel relief and loss at the same time.
Why birthdays can feel heavy
For many people, birthdays in childhood felt performative or came with pressure about who would show up. That history can make a birthday feel like dread instead of celebration. Naming where the feeling comes from can help you decide what you actually want the day to be.
Video chapters
- 4:15 Expectations vs. reality in big life moments
- 6:30 Why you can't fully prepare for big transitions
- 10:30 When in-law relationships fall short
- 13:30 Is your partner on your team?
- 16:00 Weddings and family dynamics
- 18:30 Feeling lonely with an old friend
- 19:45 Leaving something unhealthy and still feeling scared
- 21:30 Sad after leaving a job you hated
- 23:00 Why birthdays bring dread
Frequently asked questions
Why do I feel sad after leaving a bad situation?
Even unhealthy jobs or relationships give us structure and familiarity. Losing that can bring grief alongside relief, and both feelings are normal.
How do I cope when my life doesn't look like I planned?
Notice the expectations you are holding, grieve the version you pictured, and get curious about what is actually here. A therapist can help you sort out which expectations are worth keeping.
Why do weddings bring up family drama?
Weddings concentrate family roles, money, and attention into one event, which tends to highlight existing dynamics. Em and Jen suggest deciding what boundaries or conversations you need.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.