How to Argue Without Ruining Your Relationship
Every couple fights. What matters is how. In this ShrinkChicks episode, couples therapists Em and Jen break down how to fight fair in a relationship: the ground rules to set while you are calm, why a 20-minute break works, how to welcome repair, and how to argue without dragging in the past.
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In this episode
- Why couples who "never fight" can worry a therapist more than high-conflict couples
- Ground rules to agree on before conflict: no name calling, threats, blame, or contempt
- How the 20-minute break works, and who restarts the conversation
- Accepting a repair attempt, even a clumsy one
- Keeping the present fight separate from past wounds
- Why kids need to see repair, not just conflict
The goal is not zero conflict
"Fighting is a part of relationship," the hosts say. Couples who claim they never fight often have things pushed down. The goal is to fight fairly and productively, a skill most of us were never taught.
Set the rules when you're calm
Decide together, outside of an argument, what is off limits: name calling, threats, blame, contempt, and talking down to each other. Agreeing in advance matters because, in the heat of a fight, your ability to reason with yourself drops fast.
The 20-minute break
When things escalate, either partner can call a timeout. Spend about 20 minutes apart doing something that calms your body, such as music, deep breathing, or a walk, and skip social media. The person who called the break is responsible for coming back and asking if you are ready to talk. If either of you is still activated, take another 20.
A timeout is not avoidance. It is a way of saying, "I want a solution, and I want us both regulated enough to find one."
Repair, insecurity, and the past
- Welcome repair attempts, even awkward ones. You can say, "I see you're reaching for me. I'm not ready yet, but I want to be."
- Don't aim for a partner's known insecurities.
- Keep the current fight and old wounds in separate conversations. Stacking evidence to "win" only pushes you apart.
- If you fight in front of the kids, repair in front of them too.
Their question to hold onto: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be close and connected?"
Video chapters
- 4:30 Why fighting is a normal part of relationships
- 6:10 Ground rules to set before you fight
- 7:01 How to take a 20-minute break
- 9:00 Repair attempts and bids for connection
- 10:40 Grounding yourself when you're activated
- 13:40 Introducing fair-fighting rules to a partner
- 15:20 When your partner doesn't fight fair
- 17:10 How insecurities hijack a fight
- 19:20 How to fight without bringing up the past
- 22:05 Repairing in front of the kids
Frequently asked questions
How do you fight fair in a relationship?
Agree on ground rules while calm, avoid contempt and name calling, take regulated breaks when either of you is flooded, focus on the current issue, and make and accept repair attempts.
Is it healthy for couples to argue?
Yes. Conflict is a normal part of close relationships. Problems come from how couples fight, such as contempt, stonewalling, and escalation without repair.
What if my partner won't fight fair?
You can still follow your own rules and set boundaries, such as pausing the conversation when name calling starts. If one person is carrying all the regulation long term, couples therapy can help.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- Emotional Flooding: Why You Shut Down Mid-Argument
- The Sex Recession: Why Everyone's Too Stressed for Intimacy
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.