The Sex Recession: Why Everyone's Too Stressed for Intimacy
The share of U.S. adults having sex weekly has dropped sharply over the last few decades, and if it feels like everyone is too tired for intimacy, they probably are. In this episode of the ShrinkChicks podcast, licensed marriage and family therapists Jennifer Chaiken and Emmalee Bierly unpack the so-called sex recession: how stress, poor sleep, work, and a constant stream of bad news affect libido, and what couples can actually do about it.
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In this episode
- Why stress is one of the biggest "brakes" on sexual desire
- The dual control model: why adding more "gas" often fails when the brakes are on
- Spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and why arousal often comes before desire
- Mismatched sex drives: if it is a problem for one partner, it is a problem for the relationship
- Intimacy during pregnancy and while trying to conceive
- Rebuilding a sex life after an affair, and why the betrayed partner sets the pace
Stress is not sexy: the gas and brakes of desire
Em and Jen lean on sex researcher Emily Nagoski's work on the dual control model, which describes desire in terms of an accelerator and brakes. The gas is anything that turns you on: feeling connected to your partner, feeling good in your body, a good day at work. The brakes are stress, exhaustion, body image struggles, and the news cycle you scrolled in bed.
Many partners try to fix low desire by pressing harder on the gas with candles, music, or a back rub. As they explain, if the brakes are slammed down from a hard day, "even if you added more weight to the gas, the wheels are going to keep spinning." The more effective move is usually taking weight off the brakes first.
Responsive desire is normal
Spontaneous desire seems to come out of nowhere. Responsive desire shows up after something starts. For many people, arousal comes before desire, which means not "feeling in the mood" beforehand does not mean something is wrong. That reframe alone can take a lot of pressure off the lower-desire partner.
Mismatched libidos and talking about sex
When one partner wants sex and the other is content without it, the conversation is not over. As Em and Jen put it, "If it is a problem for one person, it is a problem for the relationship." The hosts encourage couples to widen the definition of intimacy and get specific, because naming what each partner actually wants opens doors that a flat "I'm not interested" closes.
They also cover pregnancy, trying to conceive, friends with benefits, and recovery after an affair, where they point to the Gottman affair recovery stages (atone, attune, attach) and note that sexual reconnection belongs in the final stage, not the first.
Video chapters
- 4:40 The sex recession, by the numbers
- 7:00 Gas and brakes: the dual control model
- 11:55 Can you separate sex from emotional intimacy?
- 12:50 Spontaneous vs. responsive desire
- 14:50 When one partner is content with no sex
- 17:05 Intimacy during pregnancy
- 19:55 Low libido while trying to conceive
- 24:10 Friends with benefits
- 27:55 Sex after an affair
- 30:05 Medication side effects and orgasm
- 32:50 Dear Em & Jen: power imbalances in a marriage
Frequently asked questions
What is the sex recession?
It is a term for the decline in how often adults report having sex. In the episode, Em and Jen connect it to chronic stress, less sleep, work bleeding into home life, and constant exposure to upsetting news and social media.
Is it normal to not feel desire before sex?
Yes. Many people experience responsive desire, where desire builds after physical or emotional connection starts. Not feeling spontaneous desire is common and is not a sign that something is broken.
What should couples do about mismatched sex drives?
Talk about it outside the bedroom, get specific about what intimacy means to each of you, and consider working with a sex therapist or couples therapist who can help you find options that work for both partners.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.