Navigating Mental Health Struggles in a Relationship
Whether you are supporting a partner with mental health struggles or you are the one struggling, mental illness changes how a relationship works. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen talk about the line between supporting a partner and overfunctioning for them, and why fairness in a relationship does not always mean doing the exact same things.
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In this episode
- Why fair is not the same as equal in a relationship
- Support and expectations are not opposites
- A script for asking a struggling partner for consistent effort
- Depression is an illness, not laziness
- How to avoid becoming your partner's treatment plan
- ADHD, intent vs. impact, and building better systems together
Fair is not equal
A listener who struggles with their mental health asks how to stop feeling like they will never match everything their partner does. Em and Jen's first answer: "Fair is not equal." Partners have different capacities, and that is true for chores, childcare, social energy, and money. The goal is to play to each person's strengths and talk openly about what each can handle right now.
Feeling like you receive more than you give is not a relief, either. Equity research cited in the episode found that people who feel they are getting more than they give report guilt and distress. Both sides of an imbalance hurt, which is why naming it together matters.
Support and expectations can coexist
If you are the supporting partner, you can be compassionate and still ask for effort. The hosts suggest making asks smaller and more specific. Their sample script tells a partner you are not expecting them to suddenly feel better, but you do need to see consistent effort toward getting support, such as keeping appointments, being honest with providers, following the treatment plan, and communicating about what you can and cannot manage.
They also remind listeners that there is no magic fix. Healing takes time, is rarely linear, and asks for patience with your partner and yourself.
Depression, caregiving, and your own oxygen mask
Depression is an illness, not laziness, and seeing it that way changes how you respond. Small invitations, like a two-minute walk together, often work better than pushing. At the same time, it is easy to overfunction and slowly become someone's treatment plan. Em and Jen recommend checking your own capacity first, keeping your own life running, and having a support toolkit of your own.
ADHD, impact, and better systems
When a partner with ADHD forgets things, it can feel like they don't care. The hosts suggest moving from the intellectual to the emotional: share the impact, such as feeling exhausted and less close, while acknowledging it is not their intent. In the classic overfunctioner and underfunctioner pattern, one partner's anxiety drives them to do everything, which lets the other stop practicing. Pulling back is uncomfortable but often necessary to build new systems together.
If you suspect a partner has a condition they deny, labeling them rarely helps. What you can do is state your own boundaries about how you will be spoken to, and consider a couples therapist.
Video chapters
- 4:10 Support vs. overfunctioning
- 12:30 Fair is not equal
- 15:05 Support and expectations can coexist
- 16:45 A script for asking for progress
- 18:20 There is no magic pill
- 21:01 When depression keeps a partner in bed
- 24:04 Oxygen mask first
- 27:30 When your partner denies a problem
- 30:30 ADHD: intent vs. impact
- 33:15 Overfunctioners, underfunctioners, and the mental load
- 36:40 Dear Em & Jen: breadwinner mom, stay-at-home dad
Frequently asked questions
How do I support a partner with depression without losing myself?
Offer small, specific support while letting them own their treatment. Check your own capacity first, keep your friendships and routines, and get support for yourself. Couples or individual therapy can help both of you.
What is overfunctioning in a relationship?
Overfunctioning is taking on more than your share, such as managing a partner's responsibilities or care for them. It often comes from love or anxiety, but it allows the other partner to underfunction and can lead to burnout.
Is it fair to have expectations of a partner who is struggling?
Yes. Em and Jen explain that support and expectations are not opposites. Expectations should match current capacity, and consistent effort toward getting help is a reasonable ask.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.