What Does It Mean to Practice Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance is a core skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): fully acknowledging reality as it is, even when you don't like it, agree with it, or think it is fair. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen explain why acceptance is not the same as giving up, and how it can actually create more freedom and make change possible.
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In this episode
- What radical acceptance is, and where it comes from in DBT
- Why acceptance is the doorway to change, not the end of it
- Radical acceptance vs. settling, minimizing, and accepting too fast
- Why acceptance is a choice you make over and over
- Accepting a person without condoning their behavior
- Using acceptance with anxiety and panic instead of fighting them
Acceptance is the doorway to change
Radical acceptance comes from DBT, developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, where it is part of distress tolerance. The idea is that accepting the present moment keeps unavoidable pain from turning into prolonged suffering through denial, rumination, or insisting that reality should be different.
The most common misconception is that accepting where you are means you will never change it. Em and Jen say the opposite is true: "You cannot change something that you can't accept." Once you can say "this is where I am right now," you can decide what to do next.
Not settling, not minimizing
Settling feels heavy and passive: nothing will get better, so why try. Radical acceptance feels freer. The hosts use a household example. If you have asked a partner for help again and again and they still cannot do the laundry well, accepting that lets you make a real decision about who does what, instead of fighting the same fight.
Minimization is different too. Minimizing means not letting yourself go there at all, a kind of numbing. Radical acceptance means going all the way in, feeling the emotions, and tolerating them. Accepting something very quickly can even be avoidance in disguise, a way of saying "I'm fine, let's move on" without feeling anything.
Anger, boundaries, and fairness
"Anger and acceptance are not enemies of one another," the hosts say. You can be furious that a parent neglected you and still accept that it happened. Acceptance also does not mean condoning behavior. Accepting that a friend is not ready to get help is what lets you decide your own boundaries with them.
Some realities are unfair: it was not your fault, but it is still yours to heal. Em and Jen do not sugarcoat that. They suggest letting yourself be angry about it while still taking responsibility for what comes next.
Practicing it, again and again
Radical acceptance is not a single decision. Each time a familiar trigger shows up, you choose it again, which is why patience is woven into the skill. One practical tool is to audit your shoulds: notice how often you tell yourself "I should be further along" and what that does to you. With anxiety and panic, acceptance means acknowledging the feeling, caring for yourself as you would with any illness, and trusting that you have gotten through it before. The episode closes with advice for future therapists: do your own work, stay curious, and don't let ego get in the way.
Video chapters
- 7:00 What radical acceptance means in DBT
- 8:00 Can you accept something and still want change?
- 10:30 Pity parties vs. feeling your feelings
- 12:40 Radical acceptance vs. settling
- 19:50 Where patience fits in
- 22:10 Audit your shoulds
- 24:01 Acceptance vs. minimization
- 25:30 Can you accept too fast?
- 28:30 Accepting a person, not their behavior
- 30:40 When it wasn't your fault but it's your reality
- 33:20 Radical acceptance for anxiety and panic
Frequently asked questions
What is radical acceptance in DBT?
It is a distress tolerance skill that means fully acknowledging reality as it is, without fighting it, even when you don't like it or think it is unfair. It does not mean approving of what happened.
Is radical acceptance the same as giving up?
No. Em and Jen explain that acceptance is the doorway to change, because you cannot change something you refuse to acknowledge. Settling is passive; acceptance frees you to choose your next step.
Can you radically accept someone without accepting their behavior?
Yes. You can accept who a person is and what they are capable of right now while still setting boundaries around how they treat you.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.