When Therapy Isn't Working (Or So It Seems)
If you have been going to sessions for a while and feel stuck, you might be wondering whether therapy isn't working, or whether something else is going on. In this ShrinkChicks episode, therapists Em and Jen help you tell whether the issue is fit, specialty, or the normal discomfort of growth, and share what to do after a hard session.
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In this episode
- Plateaus in therapy are normal, and worth naming in session
- Give a new therapist about three to five sessions
- Therapeutic fit matters more than credentials
- Productive discomfort vs. unproductive discomfort
- Your partner does not have to like your therapist
- Simple rituals help you decompress after an emotional session
Plateaus, specialties, and outgrowing a therapist
Like any skill, therapy has plateaus, and the best move is to talk about it with your therapist. Sometimes you have outgrown your therapist: you came in for something they specialize in, and now you are working on something else. That is a natural, healthy conversation to have. Good therapists also know their scope, and will refer out for specialized needs like OCD. The hosts also bust a myth: marriage and family therapists work with individuals all the time, thinking about each person within the context of their relationships.
How to judge fit
Unless a consultation makes it clear it is not right, the hosts suggest giving a new therapist three to five sessions. Finding the right one can feel like dating, and it is worth it, because research cited in the episode shows therapeutic fit is a better predictor of success than credentials. Ask yourself: Do I feel emotionally safe? Do I feel seen and heard? Do I like this person? When they challenge me, do I feel defensive or open?
Uncomfortable, or just not right?
Unproductive discomfort feels stuck, misaligned, dismissed, or judged. Productive discomfort feels emotionally stretching while you still feel safe and connected. Sometimes you feel worse before you feel better, like a sports massage working out knots. If you consistently leave anxious or raw, bring it up so your therapist can help you build coping skills you never needed when everything was pushed down.
Simple rituals help you shift out of a session: a walk, a drive with music, cleaning the kitchen, lighting a candle at the start and blowing it out at the end, or ending five minutes early before going back to work.
Breaks, partners, and honesty
Ready for a break after years in therapy? Say so. Cadence can shift with what is going on in your life. If your partner does not like your therapist, you do not need to balance the two; it is your therapy. Watch for triangulating your therapist into fights, though. Going back after a bad experience is hard, but you do not have to start from scratch with someone new. And if you notice yourself shading the truth to look better, that is usually about safety and shame. Naming it in session can change how you show up in all your relationships. If a therapist scolds you for it, that is the red flag.
Video chapters
- 6:30 Outgrowing your therapist
- 8:00 Myth: family therapists only see couples
- 9:30 How many sessions to judge fit
- 12:05 Questions to ask about therapeutic fit
- 12:45 Productive vs. unproductive discomfort
- 13:45 Ending therapy or taking a break
- 15:45 When your partner doesn't like your therapist
- 18:03 Going back after a bad experience
- 19:45 Feeling worse before better
- 21:00 Rituals for after a hard session
- 23:30 Lying to your therapist
Frequently asked questions
How long should you give a therapist before switching?
Unless it is clearly a poor fit from the start, the hosts suggest about three to five sessions to get a real sense of whether the relationship can work.
How do I know if therapy is working or I'm just uncomfortable?
Productive discomfort feels stretching but safe and connected. Unproductive discomfort feels stuck, dismissed, or judged. If you are unsure, bring the question into session.
Is it normal to feel worse after a therapy session?
Yes, it can be. Exploring painful material can leave you raw for a while. Building a short ritual after sessions helps, and if it persists, talk with your therapist about coping strategies.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.