What Is High-Functioning Codependency? with Terri Cole
You manage the people, move the pieces, and carry the emotional labor for everyone. Could that be codependency? Licensed psychotherapist and author Terri Cole joins Em and Jen to explain high-functioning codependency, the term she coined in her book Too Much for capable, successful people who feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and outcomes.
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In this episode
- Terri Cole's definition: being overly invested in other people's feelings and outcomes to the detriment of your own peace
- Why highly capable people reject the word "codependent"
- Five common traits: auto-advice giving, overgiving, auto-accommodating, anticipatory planning, overfunctioning
- The costs: "life lite," burnout, resentment, and less real intimacy
- The one question to ask before giving advice
- Why recovery, not a cure, is the goal
Codependency for high achievers
In her therapy practice, Terri Cole kept seeing the same pattern in accomplished, capable clients who would never call themselves codependent. They were "making all the dough" and "doing all the emotional labor for everybody." She defines high-functioning codependency as being overly invested in the feelings, outcomes, circumstances, relationships, and finances of the people in your life, to the detriment of your own internal peace.
What it looks like day to day
- Auto-advice giving: jumping in to solve problems no one asked you to solve.
- Overgiving: going above and beyond, then feeling unappreciated.
- Auto-accommodating: rearranging yourself around problems that are not yours.
- Anticipatory planning: spending energy managing other people's reactions before they happen.
- Overfunctioning: doing it all, which slowly trains the people around you to underfunction.
What it costs
Terri calls the biggest cost "life lite." When so much attention goes outward, you are not present, and life feels about half as vivid as it should. Burnout and resentment follow, and intimacy suffers because managing people leaves little room to actually know them.
One question to try
Before you give advice, ask: "What do you think you should do?" Then stop talking. As Terri puts it, "What you think is so much more important than what I think, because it's your life."
Find Terri's book Too Much and her Boundary Quiz.
Video chapters
- 1:05 Where the idea of high-functioning codependency came from
- 4:03 Terri's definition
- 6:00 Trait: fixing other people's problems
- 10:30 Trait: auto-accommodating
- 11:40 Trait: anticipatory planning
- 13:10 Trait: overfunctioning
- 16:01 The costs, from "life lite" to burnout
- 19:20 The question that changes advice giving
- 20:00 Terri's introduction to boundaries
Frequently asked questions
What is high-functioning codependency?
A term coined by psychotherapist Terri Cole for people who appear highly capable and successful but feel responsible for other people's feelings, choices, and outcomes, often at the expense of their own wellbeing.
What are signs of high-functioning codependency?
Common signs include automatic advice giving, overgiving, accommodating others before being asked, planning around other people's reactions, overfunctioning, and feeling exhausted or resentful as a result.
How do you recover from codependency?
Recovery usually involves building healthy boundaries, noticing the urge to fix, and letting others own their choices. Therapy can help you understand where the pattern started and practice new responses.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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- What It Means to Be a Highly Sensitive Person
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.