When You're Changing and Your Partner Isn't
Therapy, new babies, and career shifts can change you, and it is painful when it seems like your partner is not changing with you. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen talk about growing apart versus growing together, how to know whether to leave or tough out a rough patch, and how couples reconnect after disconnection.
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In this episode
- Walking in the same direction matters more than moving at the same speed
- Ask whether you want your partner to grow, or want more connection
- Know whether you tend to bail too soon or overstay
- Disconnection gets less scary once you know how to reconnect
- New parents need new rituals, and repair has to match the rupture
- Prenups are about clarity, because "clear is kind"
Same direction, different speeds
When someone starts therapy, they often get a rush of insight, and then look at their partner and wonder why they are not doing the same work. Em and Jen suggest a clarifying question: is this really about your partner growing, or about wanting more connection? If it is connection, there may be other ways to get it. Couples rarely change at the same pace; what matters is whether you are generally walking in the same direction.
Bail too soon, or overstay?
There is no simple formula for when to leave. The hosts suggest starting with self-knowledge. Some people's first instinct is to flee; others stay too long in discomfort. Knowing your default lets you push against it. The first rough patch in a relationship can feel destabilizing, but each time you find your way back, the next disconnection feels less scary.
The goal is not to stay connected all the time. It is knowing how to bring yourselves back: naming the disconnection, talking about what you need, and doing something about it. For some couples that is as simple as a date. And it cannot be one partner doing all the work.
New parents, new rituals
Becoming parents explodes your routines, and you often do not notice your rituals until they are gone. Couples have to intentionally create new ones, even if date night becomes date lunch during nap time. Anxiety about the transition is very common; the hosts cite that perinatal anxiety affects about one in five women. Talking about it, building a support system before the baby arrives, and accepting that you cannot fully prepare all help. If resentment built up during a hard season, the repair has to match the rupture, which may mean couples therapy or protected time to talk.
Joy and clarity
For a listener raising a family through a stressful, uncertain season, the hosts point to small, deliberate moments of joy and the support of chosen family as part of how people get through. On prenups, they offer a reframe: "Prenups aren't anti-love. They're pro-clarity." Clear is kind, and knowing the plan means you stay in a marriage because you choose it. The episode closes with a Dear Em & Jen letter about feeling isolated while building a family.
Video chapters
- 11:06 Growing in the same direction at different speeds
- 12:15 When to leave vs. tough out a rough patch
- 14:05 Reconnecting after disconnection
- 17:06 Staying connected as new parents
- 18:30 Anxiety about becoming a parent
- 23:20 Preparing for a baby as a couple
- 26:45 Marriage after baby and repairing resentment
- 28:00 Finding joy in hard times
- 29:30 Prenups: clear is kind
Frequently asked questions
What do you do when you're growing and your partner isn't?
Clarify whether you want your partner to change or want more connection. Talk openly about what you need, and focus on whether you are moving in the same direction, even at different speeds. Couples therapy can help if you feel stuck.
How do you know whether to leave or work through a rough patch?
Notice your tendency: do you usually leave quickly or stay too long in discomfort? Pushing against your default, and seeing whether both partners will work to reconnect, gives you clearer information.
Is getting a prenup a bad sign for a marriage?
Not necessarily. A prenup can bring clarity about finances and protect both partners, especially when businesses or family assets are involved. Many couples see it as practical, not unromantic.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.