Marriage Advice We Actually Believe In
Everyone has marriage advice, but not all of it holds up. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen, two licensed marriage and family therapists who are married themselves, take on "when you know, you know," the questions that matter more than chemistry, and the conversations every couple should have before the wedding.
Listen to the episode
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In this episode
- Why "when you know, you know" is mostly dopamine talking
- Ready is a decision, not a feeling
- Four better questions than "is this the one?"
- Flaws vs. risk factors: what you can live with and what you should not
- Unspoken contracts and the marriage scripts we bring in
- Money, sex, conflict, in-laws, and kids: what to talk about first
Chemistry is not the same as knowing
Em and Jen are not big believers in love at first sight. That instant "I just knew" feeling is often dopamine and lust, which is exciting but different from feeling safe and known. Research cited in the episode suggests confidence in a choice often grows after commitment, not before. In their words, "Ready is not a feeling. Ready is a decision that we make." Many couples know by deciding and then investing.
Better questions to ask
Instead of "do I just know?" the hosts suggest: Do I feel safe being my authentic self? Can we repair after conflict? Are our values aligned in big-picture ways? And their favorite, "Do I like who I am in this relationship?" These point to relational health rather than chemistry. They also describe marriage as an active choice you make again and again, not a search for the single right person.
Flaws, risk factors, and unspoken contracts
Not overthinking can be healthy, but it is different from avoiding hard topics. Watch for unspoken contracts, like assuming a partner will change after the wedding when they never agreed to. The hosts also separate flaws from risk factors. A messy office or bad jokes are flaws. Abuse, chronic deceit, financial exploitation, untreated substance use that threatens safety, and repeated infidelity are risk factors, not quirks to tolerate. Many things in between, like chores and holiday plans, are negotiable.
What to talk about before the wedding
- Money: spending vs. saving styles, debt transparency, joint vs. separate accounts, and long-term goals.
- Sex and intimacy: frequency, initiation, and how you will handle mismatches; a yes, no, maybe list can help.
- Conflict: Gottman's research, cited in the episode, names contempt as a top predictor of divorce. Bad communication before marriage will not fix itself after.
- Family boundaries: the hosts note that a huge share of their listener questions are about in-laws.
- Children: whether you want them, from the very beginning.
They also offer a helpful frame: a marriage has a developmental age. A one-year-old marriage is still learning to walk, so expect some falls.
Video chapters
- 5:00 Does "when you know, you know" hold up?
- 6:30 Ready is a decision, not a feeling
- 8:08 Better questions than "is this the one?"
- 10:30 Marriage as an active choice
- 13:20 Is it bad not to overthink getting married?
- 14:45 Unspoken contracts
- 15:45 Flaws vs. risk factors
- 17:45 What changes after marriage
- 20:30 Before the wedding: money
- 21:30 Sex, intimacy, and conflict
- 24:40 Family boundaries and in-laws
Frequently asked questions
What should couples talk about before getting married?
Money, sex and intimacy, how you handle conflict and repair, boundaries with family, and whether you want children. Premarital counseling can give these conversations structure.
How do you know if someone is the one?
Chemistry alone is not a reliable signal. Ask whether you feel safe being yourself, whether you can repair after conflict, whether your values align, and whether you like who you are in the relationship.
What is the difference between a flaw and a red flag in a partner?
Flaws are annoying but safe, like messiness. Risk factors include abuse, chronic deceit, financial exploitation, untreated substance use that threatens safety, and repeated infidelity, and they warrant serious attention.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.