How Not to Become Your Parents
Most of us swear we will never be like our parents, then hear their words come out of our own mouths. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen dig into breaking generational patterns: the "mental health heirlooms" we inherit, how to heal when parents will not acknowledge the past, and practical tools for doing things differently in the moment.
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In this episode
- Decide what to carry forward from your parents and what to leave behind
- You do not need your parents' apology to heal
- Boundaries work like a dimmer switch, not an on/off switch
- Family pushback often means you are changing the system, not doing something wrong
- Why you regress when you go home, and how scripts help
- Create a pause, practice, repeat: "practice makes possible"
Mental health heirlooms
Em and Jen open with a playful question: what is your family's mental health heirloom? Some inheritances are gifts, like a parent's ease talking to anyone. Others, like shoving feelings down, are worth retiring. One saying they love: your parents' ceiling is your floor. The goal is to sort what to take and what to leave, which is tricky because so many patterns are invisible from inside the family. Often it takes a partner or close friend saying "you realize you do this?" to see it.
Healing without an apology
When parents will not acknowledge the harm they caused, the hosts are direct: you do not need their acknowledgment to heal. The hurt was not something you created, but caring for it is now your responsibility, and you can reparent yourself. A lot of this is grief work, and that grief tends to resurface at transitions like having kids or going through a breakup. That does not mean you failed to process it.
Boundaries, not always cutoffs
As family therapists, they push back on the internet's reflex to cut family off, while acknowledging cutoff is appropriate in cases like abuse. Most of the time what is needed is a boundary, which is harder because it involves ongoing conversations. Think of it as a dimmer switch that turns the intensity down rather than off. Boundaries may also need resetting as life changes. If family reads your change as an attack, remember: "Their discomfort does not mean you're doing something wrong. It often means you're doing something right." Keep it short and loving, and skip the over-explaining.
Breaking the cycle in real time
Going home can make anyone feel 12 again. Drawing on Bowen family systems theory, the hosts describe the pull of the family system like gravity: not a moral failing, just a force. Knowing what happens to you there lets you prepare scripts in advance. Sometimes a boundary is just "Thanks, I'll think about it" and walking away.
In the moment, the key tool is a pause between the trigger and your reaction so you can choose. Neuroplasticity research cited in the episode shows that intentional repetition rewires the brain, or as they put it, "Practice doesn't make perfect. It makes possible." And when you slip with your own kids, modeling repair teaches them more than perfection would.
Video chapters
- 3:05 Mental health heirlooms
- 6:00 Seeing your parents differently as a parent
- 7:45 When parents won't acknowledge the harm
- 9:08 Grief that keeps coming back
- 10:00 Healing without going no contact
- 11:20 Resetting boundaries at life transitions
- 12:30 When family takes cycle breaking as an attack
- 14:20 Modeling repair with your own kids
- 17:00 Spotting the patterns you can't see
- 20:00 Regression and family gravity
- 23:30 Creating a pause
Frequently asked questions
How do I stop repeating my parents' mistakes?
Notice the specific patterns you want to change, ask someone you trust to gently point them out, and practice creating a pause before you react. Expect to slip and respond with repair and self-compassion.
Can I set boundaries with my parents without cutting them off?
Yes. A boundary can turn down the intensity of a relationship without ending it. Boundaries may need to be repeated and reset over time, especially at life transitions.
Why do I act like a kid when I visit my parents?
Returning to the family system can pull you back into old roles, a dynamic family systems theory compares to gravity. Planning scripts and responses ahead of time helps you stay in your adult self.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.