The Friendship Episode: Making, Keeping, and Losing Friends
Making friends as an adult takes more effort than anyone warned us, and losing one can hurt more than we expect. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen take on adult friendships from every angle: making friends with an avoidant attachment style, where adults actually meet people, coping with loneliness, and grieving friendship breakups.
Listen to the episode
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Watch the video
In this episode
- Why proximity made childhood friendships easy, and why adults have to replace it with effort
- Making friends when closeness has always felt risky
- Loneliness is information, not proof you are doing something wrong
- Low-cost hangs and "levels" of friendship
- Why friendship breakups often hurt more than romantic ones
- How adolescent friendship wounds can shape adult relationships
Proximity made it easy. Adulthood takes effort.
Think about how your childhood best friends happened: you sat next to them in class, rode the same bus, or lived on the same street. Em and Jen point out that adulthood removes most of that built-in proximity, which is why so many adult friendships form around work or a shared life stage, like parents who see each other at school drop-off every day. Outside of those settings, as they put it, "Effort is required when making adult friendships."
That means getting the number when a conversation clicks, asking someone on a friend date, and following up. Adults are meeting friends at gyms, hobby groups, dog parks, group therapy, online communities, and anywhere people gather around a shared interest. Scrolling, unfortunately, is not one of those places.
When closeness has always felt risky
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may have learned early that closeness equals danger, so it feels safer to focus on the other person and share little about yourself. The hosts suggest reminding yourself to share, starting small, and letting vulnerability build at a slower pace. You are asking the question because some part of you knows you need people.
Loneliness, drifting, and money
For a listener who is single while friends pair off and have kids, the hosts frame loneliness as a human emotion that carries information, not a personal failing. It may be a signal to build out new circles that meet a different need. On financial differences, honesty helps: suggest low-cost hangs like walks, parks, or hikes. If a friend cannot respect that, it tells you something. And with people you simply do not click with, like a partner's friends' partners, it is fine to keep things friendly and surface-level.
Friendship breakups are real breakups
Our culture has books, songs, and rituals for romantic breakups, and very little for losing a friend. Friendship breakups also tend to come without closure, which leaves room for endless rumination. Em and Jen encourage treating it like any other breakup: talk about it, make a playlist, write a letter you never send. "There is nothing wrong with deep grief of a friendship. It means it was something real."
They also address wounds from adolescence. Research cited in the episode describes teen friendships as identity mirrors, so being dropped by a group at 14 can shape how safe it feels to let people in decades later. Noticing how you learned to cope back then is a good place to start in therapy.
Video chapters
- 6:05 Making friends with an avoidant attachment style
- 7:50 Making friends as an adult outside of work
- 9:04 Effort, life stages, and friend dates
- 10:45 Where adults are making friends now
- 13:10 Drifting friendships and loneliness when you're single
- 15:02 Financial differences between friends
- 16:30 Not clicking with your partner's friends' partners
- 18:40 Grieving a friendship breakup
- 19:40 Why friendship loss can hurt more than romantic loss
- 21:50 Adolescent friendship wounds in adulthood
- 24:40 The overly nice friend
Frequently asked questions
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Adult life removes the daily proximity that school provided, so friendships need deliberate effort like getting someone's number, making plans, and following up. Shared interests and life stages make it easier.
Is it normal to grieve a friendship breakup?
Yes. Losing a close friend can hurt as much as or more than a romantic breakup, especially because there is often no closure and less social recognition of the loss.
How do I make friends if I have an avoidant attachment style?
Start small by sharing a little more about yourself than feels natural, and let closeness build slowly. Remind yourself that letting people know you is how friendships form.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.