Why Is It So Hard to Let People In?
We all want closeness, yet most of us build walls that keep people at arm's length. In this ShrinkChicks episode, licensed marriage and family therapists Jennifer Chaiken and Emmalee Bierly explore how to be vulnerable when openness was never modeled or never felt safe, why talking is not the same as letting someone in, and how to build your tolerance for being known.
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In this episode
- Why talking a lot is not the same thing as being vulnerable
- Vulnerability requires emotional safety: you do not owe it to people who will use it against you
- It is okay to keep some relationships fun and surface-level
- Start small: notice the micro moments when you hold yourself back
- Strength and vulnerability are not opposites
- The difference between taking space to self-regulate and the silent treatment
Talking is not the same as vulnerability
Em and Jen start with a paradox: we crave connection, yet we put up blocks that keep us from it. Humor, staying busy, and sharing on social media can all feel like openness while keeping the real you hidden. They compare social media connection to drinking salt water on a desert island, because it looks like it should help but leaves you thirstier. You can be an excellent talker and still struggle to let anyone see what is going on underneath.
If you grew up in a home where vulnerability was not modeled or accepted, opening up will not come naturally. It is a skill you practice, not a personality trait you were supposed to be born with.
Safety first, and not everyone gets the deep stuff
Vulnerability builds intimacy only when there is emotional safety. If every time you open up you are met with shame, dismissal, or "I have it worse," the hosts suggest looking at who you are choosing to share with, since we often gravitate toward people who feel familiar from childhood. They also normalize having friends you just have fun with. You do not need a long list of people who know everything about you.
How to start opening up
Dip your toe in rather than diving into the deep end. Share one small thing in a conversation where you would normally only ask questions. For a week, simply notice the moments you want to share and hold back: who you were with, what the setting was, and what made you stop. It will feel uncomfortable at first, and that is expected. The reason to do it anyway is that you are worth knowing.
For people known as "the strong one," the hosts point out that true intimacy requires mutual sharing. If you are always the one showing up for others, your friends may have far more closeness with you than you have with them.
Withdrawing, shutting down, and the silent treatment
Pulling away from the person closest to you can be about attachment, a freeze response, or the way that person reacts when you share (fixing, minimizing, or playing devil's advocate). Talking about those patterns at a calm time can change them. The hosts draw a clear line on the silent treatment: taking space to calm down is self-regulation, as long as you say so and come back. Going quiet to make someone feel guilty is punishment. The episode also touches on how men are often socialized to hide emotions, and a Dear Em & Jen question about a partner who does not want marriage.
Video chapters
- 3:06 Craving connection while putting up walls
- 7:00 "I struggle with vulnerability. Help."
- 9:05 Safe people and surface-level friendships
- 10:15 Small ways to start being vulnerable
- 12:30 When everyone sees you as the strong one
- 16:00 Why we withdraw from the person closest to us
- 19:30 When a partner always solves or plays devil's advocate
- 21:10 Is it okay not to change a protective part?
- 22:00 The silent treatment
- 24:05 Self-regulation vs. punishment
Frequently asked questions
Why is it so hard for me to be vulnerable?
Vulnerability involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, so the nervous system is wired to avoid it. It is even harder if openness was not modeled or felt unsafe growing up, which makes it a skill to practice slowly.
How do I start being more vulnerable with people?
Start small. Share one small, real thing about yourself in a conversation with someone who feels safe, and notice the moments you hold back. Build tolerance gradually rather than forcing big disclosures.
Is the silent treatment a form of manipulation?
It can be. Taking time to calm down and saying you will come back to the conversation is healthy self-regulation. Withholding communication to punish someone or make them feel guilty damages trust and keeps conflict cycles going.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- Emotional Flooding: Why You Shut Down Mid-Argument
- The Friendship Episode: Making, Keeping, and Losing Friends
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.