Finding Self-Esteem & Self-Confidence
Self-esteem and self-confidence often get used interchangeably, but they are not the same thing. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen explore self-esteem vs. self-confidence: where low self-esteem starts, how self-trust builds confidence, and how to rewrite the beliefs you picked up about yourself as a kid.
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In this episode
- Low self-esteem often traces back to early moments of feeling different or not enough
- What you were praised for as a child shapes what you value in yourself
- Mastery, in any skill, builds self-esteem
- Self-trust is keeping promises to yourself; confidence is believing you can handle what comes
- Self-compassion motivates better than being hard on yourself
- Praise kids' effort, not outcome, and model self-compassion
Where low self-esteem starts
Em and Jen suggest looking back at early moments: the first time you felt different, less smart, or started using negative self-talk. Both hosts remember feeling behind academically next to high-achieving siblings. What you were praised for matters too. Even a loving question like "did you try your best?" can land as pressure for some kids. Intent and impact are not always the same.
Some messages were never really about you. A parent who called a child "too sensitive" may have been struggling with their own feelings. As an adult, you can look back and ask whether that message was true or was about your parent.
Mastery and self-trust
Mastery builds self-esteem. Rather than letting a struggling child avoid math, help them work through it. It feels good to get good at something, whether that is cooking, riding a bike, or anything else.
The hosts define self-trust as keeping promises to yourself and self-confidence as the belief that you can handle what comes. Small commitments, like cooking at home a few nights a week, build that trust. Missing a few days does not break it if you respond with compassion instead of shame. Being hard on yourself does not create motivation; self-compassion does. In their words, "Self-trust is the foundation, and self-confidence is the house we build on top of it."
Rewriting old beliefs
The hosts reference Harriet Lerner's idea that our inner voice often starts as a parent's voice before it becomes our own. Understanding the root does not change things by itself, but it helps separate those messages from who you are. "The beliefs that we inherit are not life sentences." One exercise: write out the chapters of your life and the beliefs that came with each. Narrative therapy can help if rewriting feels hard.
Bullying, and raising confident kids
For a listener still haunted by childhood bullying, Em and Jen call it what it is: relational trauma, which can benefit from trauma-focused therapy. Present evidence helps, such as the relationships you have built since.
For parents, praise effort over outcome. Let the shoes stay on the wrong feet and celebrate the effort. And watch what you model: avoid negative talk about your body or yourself in front of kids, and show self-compassion when you make mistakes.
Video chapters
- 3:00 Finding the root of low self-esteem
- 4:30 Comparison with siblings and at school
- 6:07 What you got praised for
- 7:30 Mastery builds self-esteem
- 9:01 Messages that were never about you
- 10:00 Self-trust vs. self-confidence
- 12:02 Why being hard on yourself backfires
- 15:01 Rewriting the beliefs you were taught
- 18:00 When childhood bullying still hurts
- 21:30 Raising confident kids: praise effort
- 24:01 Modeling self-compassion
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-confidence?
Self-esteem is your overall sense of worth. Self-confidence is your belief that you can handle what comes. Self-trust, built by keeping promises to yourself, connects the two.
Can you build self-esteem as an adult?
Yes. Em and Jen emphasize that inherited beliefs are not life sentences. Questioning old messages, building mastery, and practicing self-compassion can all help, often with support from therapy.
How can parents build self-esteem in kids?
Praise effort over results, let kids work through challenges instead of avoiding them, and model self-compassion, including not talking negatively about bodies in front of them.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.