When Everything Feels Personal
A friend cancels, a text sits on read, and suddenly you are sure you did something wrong. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen talk about taking things personally: why it happens, why it is harder to stop than it sounds, and how knowing yourself (and the people around you) makes it easier to let go of what is not about you.
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In this episode
- Why a post about not taking things personally reached millions of people and made many of them angry
- Giving people the benefit of the doubt is not the same as giving up your boundaries
- The comments that sting most usually land on an insecurity you already carry
- Expectations and values shape what feels like rejection
- Taking an "insecurity inventory" when you are calm, not mid-reaction
- Knowing and accepting who you are leaves less room for hurt
The post that people took personally
The episode starts with a ShrinkChicks post listing ten things people often take personally: a slow text back, a friend canceling plans, a forgotten birthday, a lukewarm reaction to good news. It reached millions of viewers, and plenty of them pushed back hard, calling it a pass for bad behavior.
Em and Jen clarify the point. The list was never about tolerating disrespect or skipping hard conversations. It was written for people who automatically read rejection into everyday moments and want other ways to explain what happened. Offering that kind of empathy, as they put it, "It's giving humanity."
Why some things sting and others do not
The hosts use a simple example. If someone says they do not like your shirt, you might shrug it off, or you might hear "you have bad style" and feel crushed. The difference is usually not the comment. It is whether it touches something you already feel insecure about, such as how you look, how you parent, or whether you matter to people.
Expectations play a role too. If a birthday was the one day you felt noticed growing up, a forgotten one can hurt in a way that has little to do with the friend who forgot. Knowing the people in your life helps as well: when you understand someone's habits, a delayed reply reads as busy, not as a verdict on you.
Try an insecurity inventory
Instead of analyzing yourself in the middle of a reaction, Em and Jen suggest looking back when you are calm. What have you taken really personally over the last few years? What stuck with you? Patterns usually show up quickly, and so do the beliefs underneath them. Social media is a useful place to notice this, since comparison tends to fuel reactivity.
Know who you are
The hosts close on self-knowledge. When you are honest with others about your strengths and limits, there is less pressure to perform and less room for insecurity to take over. As they ask, "Do you know who you are? Do you like who you are?" And when moodiness or feedback comes from someone else, it is not your job to manage their emotions for them.
Video chapters
- 3:04 The viral post: 10 things you're taking personally
- 6:00 Benefit of the doubt vs. letting people walk all over you
- 9:05 Who this is for (and who it isn't)
- 12:01 Knowing the people in your life
- 15:03 Old rules, birthdays, and expectations
- 18:00 When a comment hits your deepest fear
- 21:05 Comparison and social media
- 24:01 Knowing and owning who you are
Frequently asked questions
Why do I take everything personally?
Often it is because a comment or situation touches an insecurity or an old expectation. Taking things personally is also common for people who learned early on to track and manage other people's moods.
Does not taking things personally mean having no boundaries?
No. Em and Jen are clear that you can give someone the benefit of the doubt and still speak up, set limits, or step back when a pattern of disrespect continues.
How can I stop taking things personally?
Notice which situations hit hardest, look for the insecurity underneath, consider other explanations for the other person's behavior, and talk it through with a therapist if the pattern keeps hurting your relationships.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.