Is This My Inner Child or My Adult Self?
Sometimes a reaction is way bigger than the moment calls for, and it can feel like a much younger version of you is running the show. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen break down inner child work: how unmet childhood needs shape big emotions, how to tell your adult self from your inner child, and what it means to break generational patterns without expecting perfection.
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In this episode
- Disproportionate reactions are often a sign your inner child is hurt
- Unmet needs are not always intentional on a caregiver's part
- Adults need to self-regulate rather than wait for others to do it
- Signs of your regulated adult self vs. your reactive inner child
- Generational trauma can pass through behaviors, beliefs, and biology
- Grief about parents softens when you stop waiting for the apology
When the reaction is bigger than the moment
Em and Jen describe the inner child as the younger self we all carry, one that has a lot of say over our emotions if we are not intentional. A common example: you find out friends got together without you, even though there was no reason you would have been invited, and it hurts far more than it should. That outsized reaction usually means an old wound was touched. Relational Life Therapy calls this part the adaptive child.
Meeting your own needs
Everyone grows up with some unmet needs, and that is not always anyone's intention. Parents may have been busy or never taught how to respond to emotions. The goal is not to relive painful memories but to ask what your inner child needs now and how you can give it to yourself. Problems arise when we expect others to do it, like needing friends to invite you to everything so you never feel rejected. Children rely on co-regulation from a calm adult, but as adults we often need to regulate ourselves, which brings more control and empowerment. A good question: is the way I am trying to get this need met actually working?
Adult self or inner child?
Your regulated adult self tends to be calm, curious, and responsive. Your reactive inner child is emotional, often anxious, focused on safety, and less able to see other people's perspectives. Blaming, personal attacks, or a reflexive "it wasn't me" are clues. As the hosts put it, "If your reaction feels five years old, it probably is."
Generational trauma and progress
Generational trauma is unprocessed trauma passed down through behaviors, beliefs, and even gene expression. Research by Dr. Rachel Yehuda, cited in the episode, found that children of trauma survivors can inherit altered stress responses through epigenetics. Many patterns were originally about seeking safety, not causing harm. Preventing them from passing to your kids starts with noticing when the old message comes up and choosing differently. You will still make mistakes; the goal is progress, not perfection.
Grief, apologies, and "I turned out fine"
Grief about a parent relationship gets easier but changes shape, and it often softens once you stop waiting for an apology that is not coming. When a partner insists "I didn't get that and turned out fine," the hosts see minimizing as a survival strategy. Acknowledging your pain might force them to acknowledge their own.
Video chapters
- 7:45 What the inner child is
- 9:01 The adaptive child and unmet needs
- 10:15 Looking to others to meet old needs
- 12:06 What are you really looking for?
- 13:30 Adult self vs. inner child: how to tell
- 16:15 Generational trauma and epigenetics
- 19:30 Preventing passing it on
- 21:30 Progress, not perfection
- 25:30 Grieving the relationship with your parents
- 27:00 "I turned out fine"
Frequently asked questions
What is inner child work?
Inner child work explores how childhood experiences and unmet needs still shape your emotions and reactions as an adult, with the goal of meeting those younger feelings with understanding and care.
How do I know if my inner child is reacting?
Common signs are reactions much bigger than the situation, feeling anxious or defensive, blaming, or struggling to see the other person's view. Your adult self tends to be calmer, curious, and responsive.
Can trauma be passed down through generations?
Yes. Generational trauma can pass through behaviors and beliefs, and research cited in the episode suggests stress responses may also be inherited biologically through epigenetics.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.