What If I Made the Wrong Decision?
Replaying a choice in the shower, wondering what life would look like if you had gone the other way: regret is deeply human. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen dig into the fear of regret, why it can be more paralyzing than regret itself, and what regret does (and does not) say about the choices you have made.
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In this episode
- There is rarely an objectively right choice, and big ones take time to test
- Too many options can increase anxiety and second-guessing
- Regret, guilt, and shame are different feelings
- Regret is often grief for the road not taken
- We imagine future regret more vividly than present discomfort
- How to stop replaying a conversation in your head
Second-guessing is normal
After a big decision, it is common to wonder if you got it wrong. Em and Jen note that most of the time there is no objectively right choice, and big decisions take time to test. Even a clearly good change, like a better job, can trigger doubt because the familiar always feels safer. They also discuss Barry Schwartz's paradox of choice: more options can lead to more anxiety, regret, and second-guessing, not more freedom.
Right does not always mean easy
Regret can exist even when you made the best choice for you. If you are someone who questions things in general, you will question this too, and that does not mean something is wrong. Research by Neal Roese, cited in the episode, found that people's most lasting regrets center on missed opportunities rather than mistakes. In other words, regret is often grief for the road not taken.
Regret, guilt, or shame?
Regret says I wish I had done something differently. Guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says something is wrong with me. A useful question from the hosts: "Am I mourning a lost outcome, or am I punishing myself for being human?" To move through regret, they suggest:
- Name the feeling: regret, not failure.
- Use self-compassion: talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend.
- Make meaning: what did this teach you about what you value?
- Write a letter from your present self to the version of you who made the choice.
Fear of future regret
For listeners frozen by the fear of regretting a choice, like whether to have kids, the hosts explain that we imagine future regret far more vividly than present discomfort, which keeps us stuck. They also normalize that some parents feel regret about parenthood and still love their children deeply; regret and love can coexist, and circumstances like support and finances shape the experience enormously. Often we compare real life to a fantasy version of the other path, one with no challenges at all.
Regret is active (I want to go back and change it), while mourning is passive (I miss what could have been). Moving from regret into mourning lets the grief surface. And for that conversation you keep replaying in the shower: rumination is your brain trying to solve something it no longer controls. Write it out, say it aloud, and close it with a small completion ritual.
Video chapters
- 8:06 How do you know it wasn't the wrong choice?
- 9:30 The paradox of choice
- 12:30 Right vs. hard
- 14:30 Regret is often about missed opportunities
- 16:00 Regret vs. guilt vs. shame
- 17:00 Tools for moving through regret
- 20:00 Fear of future regret and decision paralysis
- 21:30 Regret and parenthood
- 25:00 Comparing real life to a fantasy
- 27:00 Regret vs. mourning
- 28:45 Replaying conversations in your head
Frequently asked questions
How do I stop worrying that I made the wrong decision?
Give big decisions time to play out, remember that a hard outcome is not proof of a wrong choice, and notice whether you are reflecting or just ruminating. Self-compassion helps more than relitigating the past.
What is the difference between regret, guilt, and shame?
Regret is wishing you had done something differently, guilt is feeling you did something wrong, and shame is believing something is wrong with you. Each calls for a different response.
Why can't I stop replaying a conversation in my head?
Rumination is the brain trying to solve something it no longer controls. Writing the conversation out or saying what you wish you had said, then closing it with a small ritual, can help.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.