When Opposite Feelings Coexist
You can be grateful for your life and still want more. You can set a boundary and feel both relief and grief. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen explore the idea that two things can be true at once, why mixed emotions feel so uncomfortable, and why holding contradictions is often a sign of emotional growth.
Listen to the episode
Listen on Apple Podcasts | Watch on YouTube
Watch the video
In this episode
- Why our brains resist holding two feelings at once
- Pain is not a competition, but audience matters
- Self-criticism activates threat; self-compassion activates safety
- Craving stability and resisting it can both make sense
- Gratitude does not have to mean complacency
- Relief and grief can arrive together after an ending
Why contradictions feel so uncomfortable
We like to sort things into categories to understand them, and there is a kind of safety in feeling only one thing. That is why duality does not come naturally. Em and Jen walk through listener questions that all share one theme: you do not have to pick just one truth.
Pain is not a competition
People often respond to struggle with "others have it worse, be grateful." The hosts are clear that "pain is not a competition," and suffering is not a limited resource. Someone else's hardship does not cancel yours. What it may change is your audience: venting about a stressful day to someone in the middle of a crisis might not land. Your feelings are still valid; you may just need a different listener, and sometimes that is a therapist. Or, as one line they love puts it, "Your pain doesn't have to win the suffering Olympics to be real."
Kind to others, hard on yourself
Why can we be so nonjudgmental with others and so harsh with ourselves? The hosts point to Kristin Neff's research, cited in the episode, showing that self-criticism activates the brain's threat system while self-compassion activates safety. If criticism was familiar growing up, compassion can feel strange at first. The same goes for stability: if your nervous system is used to chaos, a calm relationship can feel boring or wrong. Unfamiliar does not mean unsafe.
Gratitude and wanting more
Being grateful does not have to equal complacency. You can appreciate what you have and still want more financial security, which, the hosts note, genuinely makes life easier. Gratitude can even fuel motivation. Big transitions, like a new job or a growing family, also bring excitement and fear together.
Relief and grief
Setting a boundary or cutting contact can bring relief and grief at the same time, and people often hear "Well, isn't that what you wanted?" Leaving a toxic relationship means grieving the future you hoped for, even when leaving was right. Others may celebrate the relief and leave little room for the sadness. Emotions we do not allow tend to get stuck. The episode ends with a listener grieving the end of a four-year therapy relationship, a loss that deserves room alongside gratitude for the work.
Video chapters
- 8:08 Why two things being true feels so hard
- 9:00 When someone has it worse
- 13:15 The suffering Olympics
- 14:20 Kind to others, hard on yourself
- 15:30 Finding stability and resisting it
- 17:00 Excitement and fear about big changes
- 20:50 Grateful but wanting more
- 23:00 Relief and grief after cutting contact
- 25:00 Leaving a toxic relationship and still grieving
- 28:50 Grieving the end of therapy
Frequently asked questions
What does "two things can be true" mean?
It means you can hold two seemingly opposite feelings or ideas at once, such as relief and grief, or gratitude and wanting more, without one canceling out the other.
Why do I feel guilty for struggling when others have it worse?
Comparing pain often adds guilt on top of hurt. Your struggles are valid on their own terms. It can help to choose a supportive listener, such as a friend with capacity or a therapist.
Why do I feel uncomfortable when life finally feels stable?
If your nervous system is used to chaos, calm can feel unfamiliar and even wrong. Unfamiliar is not the same as unsafe, and getting used to healthy stability takes time.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.