Reimagining Healthy Relationships
You can name the pattern, explain where it came from, and still fall right back into it. In this ShrinkChicks episode, psychologist and Reimagining Love host Dr. Alexandra Solomon joins Em and Jen to talk about breaking relationship patterns from your family of origin, why change happens by degrees, and why receiving kindness can feel as vulnerable as giving it.
Listen to the episode
Listen on Apple Podcasts | Watch on YouTube
Watch the video
In this episode
- "My stuff plus your stuff equals our stuff": you can only change your side of the system
- Pattern breaking includes receiving care, not just asking for needs
- A healthy relationship is not a problem-free relationship
- Change is not linear; look for the one degree of difference
- Backdraft: why grief can rush in when you start doing things differently
- Why kindness and consistency can feel like a turn-off at first
Your side of the equation
A listener asked why her sisters seem to have found healthy relationships while she has not. Dr. Solomon gently questions the self-critical premise. She calls it the golden equation of love: "My stuff plus your stuff equals our stuff." You can do deep work on your side, but you cannot control a partner's side.
She also notes that siblings grow up in what are effectively different families, often carrying different roles. One sibling's path to change may simply be heavier.
The other half of pattern breaking: receiving
People drawn to self-work tend to focus on being proactive: naming needs, setting boundaries, communicating better. Dr. Solomon says many forget the second half, which is letting someone else's goodness in. Receiving, allowing, and surrendering can feel more vulnerable than asking.
Em and Jen add that a constant push toward the perfect healthy relationship can become its own pressure. A healthy relationship is not a problem-free one. It is two imperfect people staying in contact as they move through problems.
Why knowing isn't enough
Being able to name a pattern is real progress. From there, change happens through iteration, not a straight line. Dr. Solomon says much of her work as a couples therapist is helping partners notice the one degree of difference in how a conflict went.
The next step is the body. If your pattern is accommodating others, not accommodating will bring discomfort from the other person and from your own nervous system. She points to the idea of backdraft: when you start to change, grief for all the times you went unseen can rush in. Building capacity to tolerate that is part of the work.
When healthy love feels unfamiliar
Some listeners feel turned off when a partner is kind and consistent. Dr. Solomon connects this to culture and to early experiences of inconsistent love, where attraction got shaped around uncertainty. The goal is to get to know a different kind of love and believe you are worthy of it. For those always watching for the other shoe to drop, the hosts suggest thanking the protective part and building self-trust instead of staying on high alert.
Video chapters
- 3:00 Why couples therapy training matters
- 5:30 Why is it so hard to break patterns?
- 6:30 My stuff plus your stuff equals our stuff
- 8:00 Family roles and comparing to siblings
- 9:30 A generous definition of healthy
- 12:50 Naming a pattern but still falling into it
- 15:30 Backdraft and the grief of change
- 19:30 Why kindness can feel like a turn-off
- 27:30 Waiting for the other shoe to drop
- 32:30 When a partner changes their mind about kids
Frequently asked questions
Why do I keep repeating the same relationship patterns?
Patterns from your family of origin live in your body as well as your mind, so understanding them is only the first step. Change comes by degrees as you build tolerance for doing things differently.
Why do I feel turned off when someone is nice to me?
If early relationships or cultural messages linked love with inconsistency, steady kindness can feel unfamiliar or even boring at first. Getting curious about that reaction, often with a therapist, can help you build attraction to safety.
What does a healthy relationship actually look like?
Not a problem-free one. Dr. Solomon and the hosts describe it as two imperfect people who keep trying, repair, and stay connected as they work through problems.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- How to Cope With Emotionally Immature Family Relationships
- How to Argue Without Ruining Your Relationship
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.