"Ready" Is Not a Feeling
So many people wait to feel ready before a big move: a breakup, a new job, a hard conversation. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen explain why ready is not a feeling, how waiting for certainty can quietly turn into avoidance, and how to make decisions that fit your values rather than everyone else's advice.
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In this episode
- "Ready" is not a feeling; excited, anxious, or content are
- The goal is not to feel ready but to feel willing
- Being 100% certain before a decision is rare, so waiting for it keeps you stuck
- Other people's advice reflects their values; your choice has to reflect yours
- Walk all the way through the anxious "what if" instead of stopping at the scary part
- Every decision you survive builds trust in yourself
Ready isn't a feeling. Willing is the goal.
Lots of listeners pushed back on this one, but the hosts stand by it. Excited, anxious, and content are feelings. "Ready" is a judgment we hope a feeling will hand us. People with anxiety, or those who grew up with critical parents, often wait for it the longest because they have learned to distrust themselves.
The trouble is the hidden belief: if I feel ready, nothing bad will happen. That is never guaranteed. Instead, Em and Jen suggest aiming to feel willing. Neither of them can remember feeling 100% certain about a decision to do something. They admit they are far more certain when they decide not to do something, because staying put is always easier than moving.
Use your values as the guide
When people ask what marker to use for big decisions, the answer is the one nobody wants: you have to listen to yourself. Asking others is often helpful, but each person's advice reflects their own values and experience. A friend who loved getting divorced and a friend who saved their marriage are both answering a different question than yours. Be a conscious consumer of advice, then quiet the noise and ask what fits your values.
Go all the way through the fear
Anxiety tends to stop at the scariest line: "If I leave, I'll be alone forever." Instead, take yourself through it. If that were true, what would your life look like? How would you cope? Or flip it: if nothing in this relationship ever changed, could you live with that? Walking all the way through usually shows you would survive.
The hosts compare it to a cold plunge. You never feel ready to jump in, and you do it anyway. History helps too. If you usually end up glad you went to the party, that is useful data.
Regret and the road not taken
For the fear of regret, ask what a wrong choice would mean about you. Most mistakes can be handled or corrected. The bigger the stakes, the more it makes sense to get expert input, like talking to a financial professional before buying a house. Every decision also comes with some grief for the path you did not take, and that is part of the process. As they put it, the trust you build comes not from always choosing right, but from knowing "no matter what decision I have made, I've survived."
Video chapters
- 7:30 Why ready is not a feeling
- 9:05 Willing vs. ready, and the myth of certainty
- 12:10 What to use as a guide for big decisions
- 16:30 Taking yourself all the way through the anxiety
- 18:05 When ready does feel like a feeling
- 19:30 The cold plunge: doing it before you feel ready
- 21:50 "I'm 31 and don't feel grown up"
- 25:40 Fear of regret and the wrong choice
- 28:05 Grieving the road not taken
- 33:00 Not ready, or just scared?
- 35:30 Dear Em & Jen: dreading your birthday
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if I'm ready to make a big decision?
You may never feel ready. Instead ask whether you are willing, whether the choice fits your values, and what you would do if your biggest fear came true. Clarity often comes after you move.
How do I tell if I'm not ready or just scared?
Look at your pattern. If you usually stay put and wait, practicing doing things scared will likely help. Fear alone is not a sign that a decision is wrong.
How do I stop being paralyzed by fear of regret?
Ask what a wrong choice would really mean and whether it could be corrected. Most mistakes are survivable, and each one you get through builds trust in yourself.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- The Hidden Cost of Being the "Good Kid" with Maggie Nick
- When to Go No Contact: Boundaries vs. Cutting Someone Off
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.