Understanding the Many Forms of Grief
Grief does not only follow a death. It can come from estrangement, a breakup, a changed relationship, or the future you thought you would have. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen walk through the different types of grief, from anticipatory to ambiguous to disenfranchised, and talk about why so many people feel guilty grieving losses others do not recognize.
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In this episode
- Grief comes in waves because your nervous system can only feel so much at once
- The many types of grief: acute, integrated, anticipatory, disenfranchised, ambiguous, traumatic, cumulative, and prolonged
- Why naming the kind of grief you are in can give you permission to feel it
- If something mattered to you, you get to grieve it, no matter how it compares
- How to support a partner grieving a parent who is still alive
- Treating grief like weather, not a mindset
Grief comes in waves
Em and Jen open with a simple definition: grief does not move in a straight line. Some days you function, and some days a small reminder knocks you over. That does not mean you are doing it wrong. It means the loss had meaning. The goal is not to get over it but to learn to carry it with support and room for the waves.
The many types of grief
The hosts walk through several kinds of grief, because having words for what you feel can make it easier to allow it:
- Acute grief: the raw early waves right after a loss, which can feel overwhelming or strangely numb.
- Integrated grief: you still miss what you lost, but you can live again, and the waves come with reminders.
- Anticipatory grief: grieving before a loss happens, common with illness, aging, and endings.
- Disenfranchised grief: grief others do not count or understand, such as breakups or estrangement, which often carries shame.
- Ambiguous grief: a loss that is unclear or unresolved, when a person is still here but the relationship is not.
- Cumulative or secondary grief: the ripple effects on identity, routines, and the future, like realizing you only need to make one bowl of food now.
"Not bad enough" to grieve
Many people feel guilty grieving something that seems small next to someone else's loss. The hosts see that guilt as socially learned, often because people are uncomfortable with others' feelings. Their reframe: if it mattered to you, you get to grieve it. They share the example of a client grieving a situationship, which was not "even a relationship" but clearly mattered.
Making space for grief
When a partner is grieving a parent they are no contact with, the most helpful thing is to validate that it is a loss without trying to fix it. That grief can resurface whenever someone else mentions a phone call with their dad.
In a culture that rewards staying positive, Em and Jen suggest treating grief "like weather and not a mindset." Storms come and go, and sunny days come too. Small, regular containers for grief, such as a trusted inner circle you can keep talking to long after the funeral, help. So does knowing that being knocked over by grief years later is normal. Grief groups can also be especially helpful.
Video chapters
- 3:00 What grief is and why it comes in waves
- 4:10 Acute, integrated, and anticipatory grief
- 5:20 Disenfranchised and ambiguous grief
- 6:40 Traumatic, cumulative, and prolonged grief
- 8:50 Guilt about grief that doesn't seem bad enough
- 15:50 Supporting a partner grieving a living parent
- 18:00 Grief in a culture that rewards positivity
- 27:50 Being knocked over by grief years later
- 32:00 Grieving the future you imagined
- 33:30 Dear Em & Jen: walls after a friendship breakup
Frequently asked questions
What are the different types of grief?
Common types include acute, integrated, anticipatory, disenfranchised, ambiguous, traumatic, cumulative, and prolonged or complicated grief. Each describes a different way loss can show up and change over time.
What is disenfranchised grief?
It is grief that other people do not recognize or validate, such as grief over a breakup, a friendship ending, or estrangement. Because it gets less support, it often comes with guilt or shame.
Is it normal for grief to come back years later?
Yes. Grief often resurfaces around milestones, holidays, or small reminders. That does not mean you have not healed; it means the loss still matters to you.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- When to Go No Contact: Boundaries vs. Cutting Someone Off
- Nicole Pellegrino on Becoming a Mom, Grieving a Mom, and Mental Health
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.