Nicole Pellegrino on Becoming a Mom, Grieving a Mom, and Mental Health
Becoming a parent changes everything, and becoming a mom without your mom adds a layer of grief few people talk about. In this ShrinkChicks storytelling episode, content creator and podcast host Nicole Pellegrino joins Em and Jen to talk about the identity shift of new motherhood, missing her mother in small everyday moments, and learning to give herself grace.
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In this episode
- Why the identity shift into motherhood can feel so sudden and so total
- How flexible work changed what was possible for her as a new parent
- Grief that shows up in ordinary moments, like wanting to call your mom about a recipe
- Why caregivers still want to be cared for, and how to offer that care to yourself
- Feelings aren't facts: a hard parenting night does not make you a bad mom
- Why child-free friends can be some of the best support a new parent has
The identity shift nobody can fully prepare you for
A year before this conversation, Nicole was saying yes to every event, premiere, and night out. Now her days revolve around a three-month-old. She describes the change as the best thing in her life and also the hardest, and Em and Jen point out that holding both of those truths at once is a normal part of the transition. They also talk about how a relationship shifts when two people meet each other as exhausted new parents rather than as the couple they were before.
One thing that has helped is flexible work. Nicole says she has never been more grateful for a job that lets her stay close to home, and she encourages other parents to look for flexibility where they can.
Grieving your mom while becoming one
Nicole lost her mother in her twenties, and Em and Jen first met her years ago when she was planning a wedding without her. Now the grief shows up in new ways. She describes a quiet Mother's Day that seemed fine until a simple carrot salad made her wish she could call her mom about the recipe. She also feels a complicated sadness that her mother never got to know this grown-up, parenting version of her.
The hosts name what sits underneath: no matter how old we are, we still want someone to care for us. Whether a parent has died, is estranged, or simply is not helpful, new parents often feel that missing care most sharply. The question becomes how to offer some of that care to yourself and lean on the people who can show up, like Nicole's older sister.
Feelings aren't facts
On hard days, Nicole sometimes wonders if she was made for motherhood. Em and Jen offer a phrase they use often: feelings aren't facts. A painful feeling is valid, and it still does not mean the story it tells ("I'm a bad mom") is true. Acknowledging the feeling and then getting up and moving is often what helps.
Giving yourself grace
When asked what her therapist would be proud of, Nicole names the moments she pauses and goes easy on herself. For new parents, especially those parenting without their own parent nearby, that kind of grace is not a luxury. It is part of how you get through.
Video chapters
- 7:00 Flexible work and new motherhood
- 8:10 Launching a solo podcast
- 12:40 The identity shift into motherhood
- 15:45 Your relationship at 2 a.m.
- 17:00 Raising a daughter without her mom
- 21:00 Grief in everyday moments
- 24:10 Who cares for the caregiver?
- 32:00 Hard days and feelings that aren't facts
- 40:00 Becoming a quicker decision maker
- 46:00 What her therapist would be proud of
Frequently asked questions
How do you cope with becoming a mom after losing your mom?
Expect grief to show up in small, ordinary moments and let it be there. Lean on the people who can fill part of that role, and look for ways to offer yourself the care you wish you had. A grief-informed therapist can help too.
Is it normal to feel like you lost your identity after having a baby?
Yes. Em and Jen describe the shift into parenthood as one of the biggest identity changes a person goes through, and it is common to love your baby deeply while missing your old life.
What does "feelings aren't facts" mean?
It means a feeling can be real and valid without being an accurate description of reality. Feeling like a bad parent after a hard day is not evidence that you are one.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.