The Holiday Boundaries Episode
The holidays come with a lot of expectations, and saying no to any of them can feel impossible. In this ShrinkChicks episode, family therapists Em and Jen talk about holiday boundaries: why the season hits everyone differently, where the guilt comes from, and how to handle sick kids, newborns, hosting, and in-laws without losing yourself.
Listen to the episode
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In this episode
- How you grew up shapes how much pressure the holidays carry
- Stress from work, money, or family conflict changes how the season feels
- The scripts we carry: recreating great memories or making up for hard ones
- Rescheduling a gathering is often an option when kids get sick
- With a newborn, set clear boundaries before you arrive and stick to them
- Eight years of hosting does not mean you have to host forever
Why the holidays hit everyone differently
Em and Jen come at the season from different places. One grew up without much holiday pressure and feels like she is along for the ride. The other feels far more of it now as a parent, with the work of creating holiday magic and splitting time between families who do not live close together.
Context matters too. If you are entering the season with work stress, financial strain, marital tension, or family conflict, everything feels heavier. Many people also carry a script: either recreating the wonderful holidays they had as kids, or making sure their kids get what they never did. Movies and social media add another layer of expectations.
Sick kids and moving the date
When a child is sick right before a big event, the hosts suggest remembering that winter break is long. A gathering can often happen a few days later. The harder part is family who insist the holiday only counts on one specific day, or who feel in competition with the other side of the family. Naming that underlying tension helps.
The first holidays with a newborn
Start with what you want the holiday to look like and what is realistic. Ask why you are going: because you feel you owe it, or because the memories matter to you? If you do not want others holding the baby, say so before you arrive. Some people will be passive aggressive about it. As the hosts put it, "You control you. You don't control anyone else." You have to keep the boundary yourself for others to respect it. They also note that marriage involves compromise around both families, as long as everyone is safe to be around.
When you are done hosting
A listener who has hosted her husband's family for eight years is terrified to say no this year. Em and Jen's first question: why does she have to be the one to say it? Start with an honest conversation with your partner, then tell family early, before everyone assumes the usual plan. "Things are allowed to change." Doing something for years does not make it permanent.
Video chapters
- 3:00 Learning to say no
- 6:05 What the holidays feel like for each host
- 9:05 Splitting time between families
- 10:40 The stress you bring into the season
- 13:30 The scripts and pictures we carry
- 15:02 Guilt over canceling for sick kids
- 18:03 When family won't move the date
- 19:00 First holidays with a newborn
- 21:03 Boundaries about holding the baby
- 22:40 Not hosting after eight years
Frequently asked questions
How do I set boundaries with family during the holidays?
Decide what matters most to you ahead of time, talk with your partner first, and communicate plans early and simply. Expect some pushback and stay consistent.
How do I tell my family I am not hosting this year?
Talk with your partner, then tell family as early as possible, before everyone assumes the usual plan. Keep it brief and offer an alternative if you want to.
How do I set boundaries with a newborn at holiday gatherings?
Decide your limits before you go, such as who can hold the baby or how long you will stay, and share them in advance. Stick with them even if someone pushes back.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
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ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.