What Resilience Really Looks Like
Resilience is often described as something you either have or you do not. In this ShrinkChicks episode, Em and Jen sit down with Carol DeMarco, a former school counselor and longtime mentor to The Therapy Group, to talk about building resilience as a daily skill, using the "Pearls of Wisdom" she developed over decades of working with students.
Listen to the episode
Listen on Apple Podcasts | Watch on YouTube
Watch the video
In this episode
- Resilience is a daily mindset habit, not just something for a crisis
- Feeling nervous and excited at the same time is normal when starting something new
- You see what you're looking for: selective attention and confirmation bias
- Respond, don't react: let emotions unfold, then choose your next step
- Your thoughts about an event shape how you feel and what you do
- "Activate your anteater" to catch automatic negative thoughts
Where the Pearls of Wisdom came from
As a middle school counselor teaching an early-morning class to eighth graders, Carol needed a way to keep their attention. Borrowing from a TV chef's catchphrase, she started saying "POW, listen up" before sharing a short, memorable strategy for a hard situation. Over the years she built more than 30 of them, covering mindset, relationships, and how we respond to life events. She tested many during difficult seasons of her own life, and now shares them through speaking and her upcoming book, POW LISTEN UP!
Nervous and excited is normal
Whenever Carol asked students how a sibling starting kindergarten might feel, "nervous" and "excited" always made the list. Her point: "Nervous and excited is how you're supposed to feel when you begin something new." The trouble starts when we judge ourselves for feeling both and decide we must not know what we want.
You see what you're looking for
Carol walks the hosts through an exercise: spend ten seconds counting blue things in the room. Then she asks how many yellow things they saw. Nobody knows, because nobody was looking. Our beliefs work the same way. If you believe "life stinks," confirmation bias helps you find proof. She is clear this is not toxic positivity, since the hard things are still real. But "when you look for positive, you see positive." Parents of toddlers, for example, can get stuck seeing only tantrums and miss what is going well.
Respond, don't react
In the middle of a storm, Carol does not suggest skipping emotions. She describes letting feelings unfold and processing them first, then talking with supportive people when ready. Responding instead of reacting gives you that pause. She also stresses that resilience is built proactively, every day, not saved for emergencies.
Choose your thoughts
The thoughts we tell ourselves about an event shape our feelings, and our feelings shape our behavior. Changing the thought does not erase fear, but it can bring it down enough to take the next step. Carol's students learned this through tools like "pick the flowers, not the weeds" and an anteater that helped them catch ANTs (automatic negative thoughts). As the hosts note, these quick phrases are easy to reach for when the emotional brain takes over.
Video chapters
- 3:01 Where "POW, listen up" came from
- 4:30 Learning resilience through hard seasons
- 7:00 A new calling in retirement
- 10:00 Feeling nervous and excited at once
- 13:30 The blue things exercise
- 15:00 You see what you're looking for
- 17:30 Why we look for evidence we're right
- 19:30 Respond, don't react
- 24:00 Your thoughts shape your feelings
- 27:04 Cognitive flexibility and the anteater
Frequently asked questions
Can you learn to be resilient?
Yes. Carol DeMarco frames resilience as a set of daily mindset habits, such as noticing what you focus on and choosing your thoughts, that people can build at any age.
What does respond, don't react mean?
It means allowing yourself to feel and process emotions before acting, rather than acting on impulse. The pause gives you room to choose what to do next.
What are automatic negative thoughts?
They are quick, reflexive thoughts like "I can't do this" that pop up under stress. Noticing and writing them down makes it easier to question them and try a more balanced thought.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.