Trauma Responses: Understanding the Flight Response
Most people picture the flight response as literally running away. In real life it is usually quieter: staying busy, overworking, scrolling, researching, or changing the subject the moment things feel tense. In this episode of their trauma responses series, Em and Jen explain how flight works, why it can look so productive, and what it costs in relationships.
Listen to the episode
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In this episode
- Flight is your nervous system's "get me to safety" setting
- Everyday flight: busyness, overthinking, scrolling, fixing fast, and needing distance
- The costs: nothing gets resolved, trust erodes, and intimacy stays shallow
- Why flight gets reinforced: instant relief, a sense of control, and praise for being busy
- Healthy coping will never feel as good as unhealthy coping in the moment
- The urge to fix can be a way to avoid feeling
What flight looks like in everyday life
The flight response is the nervous system trying to get you to safety. Sometimes that means leaving the room, but more often it looks subtle: staying busy, changing the subject, scrolling, researching, overthinking, or needing distance the moment a conversation gets intense. One host admits her favorite version is researching vacations she cannot afford.
The hosts are clear that taking a trip or having boundaries is not flight. Flight is about escaping a feeling, not living your life.
The quiet costs
Next to the fight response, flight can look harmless and even socially appropriate. But when it becomes your default, a few things happen:
- Nothing gets resolved, because you keep leaving before the hard part.
- It can feel like abandonment to a partner, especially without an agreement about breaks.
- Trust erodes, because others cannot count on you to stay.
- Intimacy stays shallow, and it can fuel a chase and withdraw dance with a partner who moves toward conflict.
Why flight is so easy to repeat
Flight brings instant relief, ends uncertainty quickly, and gives a sense of control. Our culture also praises busyness, so overworking often gets rewarded as being a hard worker. Many burned-out clients describe evening scrolling as their only downtime, and the hosts acknowledge it truly does help in the moment. The catch, as they put it: "A healthy coping skill is never going to feel as good as an unhealthy coping skill." Deep breaths or music will not hit as fast, but they help more over time.
Fixing, feeling, and old maps
The urge to fix is a common form of flight in couples. If you solve the problem quickly, you never have to sit with your partner's emotion, or your own reaction to it. The hosts also suggest asking whether your urge to flee comes from the current relationship or from a template you learned growing up.
The first step is not to stop fleeing overnight. It is to name it: "I notice I want to walk out of this conversation. Something here is activating for me." Without judgment, that awareness gives you more choice next time.
Video chapters
- 5:10 What is the flight response?
- 8:00 How flight can hurt relationships
- 11:10 Why flight gets reinforced
- 14:10 When you freeze but sometimes want to flee
- 16:50 Why healthy coping never feels as good
- 18:30 Collective stress and trauma responses
- 24:20 Does overworking count as flight?
- 26:00 The urge to fix instead of feel
- 28:00 Old relationship maps
- 31:50 Avoidant attachment and flight
- 35:00 Dear Em & Jen: a difficult boss
Frequently asked questions
What is the flight response?
It is a survival response where the nervous system tries to reach safety by getting away from a perceived threat. Beyond physically leaving, it can look like staying busy, overworking, scrolling, changing the subject, or emotionally distancing.
Is overworking a trauma response?
It can be. When staying busy keeps you from feeling something uncomfortable, overworking may be a form of the flight response, especially since our culture tends to reward it.
How do I stop fleeing during conflict?
Start by noticing and naming the urge, then agree on a break with your partner that includes a time to come back. A therapist can help you build tolerance for staying with hard feelings.
Want support with this?
Em and Jen founded The Therapy Group, a relational therapy practice offering in-person therapy in Philadelphia and West Chester, PA, plus virtual sessions. Our team personally matches you with a therapist who fits what you are working on, for individuals, couples, and families.
Related episodes
- The Fawn Response: When People-Pleasing Is a Trauma Response
- Trauma Responses: Understanding the Freeze Response
ShrinkChicks is for education and entertainment and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.